You ever notice that the main characters in movies, books, and stories are often the heroes? They fight well, play hard, and sacrifice everything to do the right thing...in the end...most of the time. But most of the time they're also emotionally dysfunctional, with walls up the wazoo and their work gets in the way of their relationships. Series are full of one-night stands, and hot encounters that last just long enough to heat up the screen time. And yet they are disciplined, toned, skilled.
Heroes.
(The nerds are having their say as well, but often as comedic relief or the savant genius.)
As soon as the broken hero heals, the excitement disappears and usually, the show/movie/story loses its edge. (Except for Avatar: The Last Airbender. But it's in a class of its own.)
I mean, can you imagine a cheerful Batman? A contented Batman, without his vendetta, and full of forgiveness and self-awareness that allows him to heal and love healthily?
I bring all of this up to say that heroes are usually depicted as highly self-disciplined but broken...as if their discipline makes up for their brokenness.
But it doesn't.
Discipline can never replace emotional health, no matter how good it looks on screen or how satisfying or self-righteous it feels.
So, I say FIRE self-discipline. Its pros do not outweigh its cons. Its costs are too high for too little return.
Instead, hire self-parenting.
Self-parenting is exactly what it sounds like: treating yourself with the perspective, understanding, patience, compassion, and support of a loving, appropriate parent.
It means talking yourself through difficult situations with patience, trust, and understanding.
It means celebrating your wins - ALL of your wins - even if no one else gets it.
It means not abandoning yourself when you make a mistake or slip up.
It means being honest with yourself, and not sugar-coating it, but not punishing yourself for failures, mistakes, or bad decisions.
It means treating yourself with respect, regardless of what other people think.
It means taking care of yourself so that you have the bandwidth to help and support other people.
I've made a few laundry lists of reasons why you too, should make the switch.
The "Versus" List
Self Discipline vs. Self-Parenting:
- Perfectionist vs. Maturity
- Walls vs. Appropriate Boundaries
- Expectations vs. Safety
- Hard, Stiff, Overexposed, Brittle vs. Pliable, Adaptable, Flexible, Unbreakable
- Stunted Emotional Growth vs. Emotional Intelligence
- Disproportionate vs. Balanced
- Containment (quarantine) vs. Evolution (immunity)
The "Maintains" List:
* Self-parenting maintains vulnerability while making room for healing
* Self-parenting maintains honesty while making room for self-confidence
* Self-parenting maintains excellence while making room for human error
The "Psychology" List:
1. How do crisis negotiators talk down dangerous people? By parenting them. Read more HERE.
2. The self-parenting approach is an effective way to talk to someone who has been traumatized. And all humans have been traumatized in one way or another.
3. Self-parenting means you don't have to wait for someone to love you enough before you can be content with your life. Your happiness is not dependent on anyone else, because you are always trying to treat yourself with kindness and respect.
4. Self-parenting helps clear away the baggage and makes room for love.
Things to Remember:
- We all need help from other people. We all need other people. But self-parenting allows us to develop stability.
- It's not always natural to think or feel this way. That's ok. It is all a process.
- You won't always feel what you want to feel and your feelings won't always support what you want to do. But you can always choose to act to the best of your ability - no matter what that is in the current moment. What you have to give at that moment is enough.
You got this.
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