Regarding Risks

April 21, 2013

Success
Failure
Confidence
Risk

Those words carry such weight in any context, and music is certainly no exception.  I've had some experiences lately that have put these words into a different perspective. After winning second place at the Central Ohio Flute Association Young Artist Competition last week, being accepted as a Masterclass Performer for this year's National Flute Festival in New Orleans, and a solid (though not perfect) orchestra performance tonight, and still feeling like I had failed as a musician, I realized it was time to look at things from a different angle. Here are my thoughts. :)

When you look in the mirror, what do you see? If you were to strip away all the things you felt were important to knowing who you were, what would you have left? Are you a composite of several different variables, a summary of social and scientific definitions, or an equal sign after a series of quantitative symbols? For many people, I think these self-identifying factors become a personal definition of success. From what I've seen, lots of us tend to see themselves in regards to what we are immediately capable of doing, or more accurately, what we think we should be capable of accomplishing.

What you see in the mirror and what you feel about yourself is not always reliable. Paul describes it as "looking through a glass darkly." (1 Corinthians 13:12) Because we are human, we are bound to misinterpret things, and come to wrong conclusions, based on the limited parameters of our perspective. The only real way to combat this is to be positive about yourself and others. It may seem naive or embarrassingly innocent, but that doesn't make it any less true. Sure, maybe people have issues and maybe there are some really nasty

 people out there, but I still believe that we need to assume that people are intrinsically good, and that most of their stupid moments happen because they are hurting or are confused in one way or the other on the inside. I certainly don't believe we should waive responsibility and pat wrong doing on the shoulder like an old friend, or let inappropriate and rude behavior continue unchecked, but I think it would be a flat out wrong to box people in with their mistakes. All that would do is validate their badly-founded opinions of themselves.

Validation is powerful. It is what solidifies a thought process into a neurological pathway in the brain. If the mind or heart feels validated, it will continue in that direction with full sails ahead. One of my favorite short films explores what happens when someone's current flow of validation get interrupted. :)  Validation 



Sometimes it's accepting that you were wrong about yourself and that you really are capable of achieving more than you ever thought possible. But it's risky. It means change. It means acknowledgement. It means realizing that what you were thinking and feeling might have been your choice, and not the actual reality. How scary/exciting/mind-blowing is that!

I find that it is wise to see every situation as one full of expected success. To see it as anything else is in essence setting ourselves up for failure. Why expect something to go badly? In my experience, it has been a way of protecting ourselves. Either that, or we feel guilty or embarrassed for our feelings or expectations of success, so we psych ourselves out and mess up. Sometimes we even label our feelings of confidence as sin, or pride, which adds to the unnecessary feelings of guilt. Most of this happens on a sub-conscious basis, so we usually don't consciously process events in this way. Even if you don't think this concept applies to you in every situation, I can guarantee is does in at lease one or two. It is this kind of defense mechanism that keeps us from taking risks, from putting ourselves out there, or from trying something new, or from entering a relationship.

In President Uchtdorf's talk from this most recent Priesthood session he discusses the feelings of guilt associated with projected failure.

"It can be discouraging at times to know what it means to be a son [or daughter] of God and yet come up short. The adversary likes to take advantage of these feelings. Satan would rather that you define yourself by your sins instead of your divine potential. Brethren [and sisters], don’t listen to him.

We have all seen a toddler learn to walk. He takes a small step and totters. He falls. Do we scold such an attempt? Of course not. What father would punish a toddler for stumbling? We encourage, we applaud, and we praise because with every small step, the child is becoming more like his parents.

Now, brethren [and sisters], compared to the perfection of God, we mortals are scarcely more than awkward, faltering toddlers. But our loving Heavenly Father wants us to become more like Him, and, dear brethren [and sisters], that should be our eternal goal too. God understands that we get there not in an instant but by taking one step at a time.

Although we recognize that none of us are perfect, we do not use that fact as an excuse to lower our expectations, to live beneath our privileges, to delay the day of our repentance, or to refuse to grow into better, more perfect, more refined followers of our Master and King." Four Titles-- President Uchtdorf

So to all of us: Go ahead. Take a risk. Believe you can fly. Spread your wings, and take the leap, life is too short not to take the opportunity to soar.

On Rhythm, Rules, and New Beginnings

April 7, 2013                                                                                                       Bowling Green, Ohio



I love spring. I love the glow the earth gets that pervades the air with a sense newness and wonder that is both comforting and exciting. I love the way new leaves and new shoots erupt from the earth, all wrinkly and tender, like a newborn child, unfurling long green stems embracing its surrounding with the miracle of life. This time of new beginnings has gotten me thinking about beginnings and endings in my own life, and how life is a funny mixture of old and new, familiar and strange, and that they are interconnected in a very crucial way. I've decided that experiences are like mulch: over time the feelings break down into matter, energy and impressions that eventually become the nutritional source for new opportunities. We have so much influence over what type of mulch our new seedlings will have to available to them. It lies in how we choose to accept experiences, both of a positive and a negative nature. Holding or hoarding experiences: living in the past in an effort to procrastinate taking responsibility for the unknowns of the future turn the mulch moldy and toxic, too wet and too pungent for anything desirable to grow healthily. It's basically like a malaria epidemic waiting to happen. But to see only the negative, to live in the guilt of what ifs and shoots, and whoopsies will suck the nutrients dry, leaving the soil of the soul chalky and embittered. I guess the goal then is to expect the best from each situation. Now I don't mean that everything will work out just the way we planned, but we can always expect that we will be able to learn, grown and become stronger from each situation. To me, this is real perfection. That no matter what happens, it will help me become a better and stronger person. In this way, I will never really fail, and therefore, will never really need to fear. 
Failure is a choice, not an event. 

In the spirit of accepting experiences I have been trying to deal with facing some issues within my flute technique that have handicapped my progression for several years. I think it's finally time to accept and move on. It's one of those things that I have allowed what happened yesterday to govern the possibilities of today, and therefore, stunted my own growth. I've allowed regrets to build a foundation of fear and frustration, placing the walls of my musical expectations on a shaky pillars. I am afraid of runs. Excess notes cause me a severe amount of unnecessary anxiety, which has very little to do with how much I have practiced and much more with the expectations I have entertained. I was discussing some possible strategies with a friend, and she mentioned approaching the measures in question from a rhythmic standpoint. She pointed out the merits of breaking down the mass of notes into manageable and logical groupings that will not only make the notes more accessible to my brain, but will also make them more musical, because they will have shape and structure. I have always known that this is what I should do, and I definitely attempted to do this, but it wasn't until then that I really understood what that means. And let me tell you, it works. They say the technique is 90% rhythm and I agree. I wonder if that is really what sets music apart from noise. This organization, or simply an architecture of some sort, is what provides structure for the intent of the music. Even free-form music has a sense or underlying structure. If it requires instructions, it has structure.

Commandments provide structure to the chaos and possibilities of life. And not only do they bring structure, they provide a specific type or architecture to life's choices. They are the blueprint to building the kingdom of God. If we follow God's commandments, we will be creating something that He has designed. If we follow the moral compilation of any other person, society, or corporation, we will create something that reflects the original source. You could say that the commandments are the rhythm of Heaven.


 If this is the case, then we should not feel boxed in, cramped, suppressed or offended by the commandments. What we really should be doing is asking ourselves what we really want from life and as we decide, we should choose a floor plan that will provide appropriate instructions that will empower us to create the desired result. 

As for me, I want a life filled with happiness, progression, and healthy acceptance of life's experiences.  I want to become a better individual, a better family member, a better musician, and eventually a better spouse with each passing day. I want to believe my capacity to succeed and in so doing believe that everyone else can succeed as well. I know God lives, and I believe in His rhythm, His architecture. I believe in the perfection of His commandments, and will gladly strive to live in accordance with His blueprint, because I believe in the results. I believe that in is in obedience to His will, His structure  that the greatest source of success can be found, inner peace can be achieved and happiness and joy can be felt now in this life on a daily basis, as well as in the eternities.