Hi there.
It's been a while since I've posted here.
Guilt has been on my mind big time the last few months. I've finally come to some sort of conclusion to the threads in my head, and tentatively share them with you here. :)
I think we’ve all at one time or another collided with the abrasiveness
of shame and guilt.
There’s that moment of impact where everything just
shatters. One minute you’re fine, and the next reality’s been sucked away from
you like trash off a starship, zapped out into the humiliation of eternal
suspension, except it isn’t trash, it’s your life. Or like inhaling helium
instead of oxygen and suddenly you don’t recognize your own voice, and everyone
is laughing, only it isn’t funny, ‘cause that’s your self-respect on the
ground.
The worst though, is the forgetting. Because the guilt robs
you of courage, you forget that you had any to begin with and you’re left
feeling hollow, but never empty.
Never empty.
The only safe space becomes arm’s length, because the
alternative is a blubber puddle in the smallest corner of your mattress, and even
then, you feel gargantuan,
and yet
somehow perfectly invisible,
all at the
same time.
It’s intense, peeps.
But here’s what my first year of my DMA is teaching me:
Guilt is usually a cover for not accepting ourselves. Instead
of staring our inconsistencies in the face and loving ourselves anyway, we hide
behind guilt. The thing is, feeling guilty or shaming ourselves means that we
don’t have to be honest with ourselves. We don't have to look at the contradictions of what we're feeling and try to make sense of it. We can just feel bad and punish
ourselves by withholding love and expectation of success, which “restores the
balance” and eventually can become so habitual that it triggers the reward
receptors in our brain.
That’s really important. I want to state that again.
Feeling
guilty tells the brain that we’ve done something right.
Feeling
guilty can make us feel good.
Living in
guilt means our brains our broken and we just got played by our emotions.
Actually, it
means that we need to give ourselves some TLC...and admit that we’ve experienced
a type of trauma that the brain is trying to cope with.
Like seriously.
It also means
that we need to repent. As in “…forming a fresh view of God, ourselves, and the world.”
Repentance
always brings godly sorrow which SHOULD NOT be confused with guilt or shame (which if you follow the hyperlink to the scripture, I associate guilt and shame with "sorrow of the world").
Godly sorrow is something very different than guilt. It can
hurt, absolutely, but it NEVER will cause shame. It will NEVER leave us feeling
worth less. Godly sorrow brings with the pain of recognition an intense desire,
motivation, and belief in permanent change and healing. (Or, if you ask Paul, resolution)
The instant our pain at what we’ve done wrong causes us to
doubt our worth, ability, or expectation of happiness, it is no longer
religion, but a lie.
Also keep in mind that if the brain is broken and our feelings are playing us, then those feelings of guilt we feel are often FALSE. Like should-be-kicked-out-to-the-curb-and-run-over-by-a-semi false.
What might happen is
that we’ll break. (who am I kidding? It WILL happen) And we’re supposed to break. It’s the only way to
change on a deep subconscious level.
Break open,
break up,
break out,
and most importantly
break through to a deeper
understanding and freedom.
So…the point? The take away? The nugget of wisdom?
Nugget #1) God wants you to accept yourself completely. The good, the bad, the ugly,
the awkward. All of it. He knows that the only way doing good things and
obeying Him will become a state of being
is if we first love and accept ourselves as we currently are. We can’t build a
life on a lie and expect it to hold together. Doesn’t work.
Nugget #2) If you find that your life is a series of “if….then”
statements, you’re probably reacting to guilt rather than living your life on
your own terms.
“If I...then
I deserve to…”
“If I …then I
will know that I’m good at this”
“If I …then
I can be successful”
Life is much more enriching if we go from the “because…”
perspective.
“Because I want…I am willing to…”
Your life
probably won’t end up looking that
different, but it will feel like you’ve
finally come home. You will feel REAL.
Why?
That’s what
taking responsibility for our lives looks like and feels like.
It’s control.
It’s
possibility.
It’s freedom.
Or in the words of Elder David A. Bednar it’s “acting and not being acted upon”.
I don’t know about you, but that sounds a lot better to me.
Nugget #3) Guilt and shame are fear of failure in justice's clothing.
There is little I fear more than my disappointments and failures being my own fault.
haha Too bad I'm a human being.
The beauty of the Gospel of Jesus Christ is that weaknesses have a function and are meant to be catalysts of change instead of damning contributions to a messy and confusing life. Never let the ego of failure keep you from stretching outside of yourself.
And kick guilt to the curb. You deserve so much better than that.
God lives.
Christ is our Savior.
The church is true.
And life is beautiful...if somewhat messy and infuriating sometimes.
~Gabbi
