Bested By Your Best?

I hate when people tell me to “just do the best you can” or “just focus on being the best you can be” or “don’t compare yourself to others, it’s not about being the best, it’s about being the best you.”

I mean, if you feel warm and inspired by any of these sentences, then more power to you. But personally, it causes me anxiety. I mean, how do I know if I have done my best? Who knows when I have given all I can give?

What if my best doesn’t match my expectations, and so I run myself ragged because I thought my best was better?

What if my best still doesn’t win me that job, that competition, that opportunity that I so desperately want?

What if my best isn’t good enough for someone I love, and they choose to not love me back? What if my best means managing my expectations, pivoting towards a different dream, a different goal…maybe even towards something I never wanted?

What if my best betrays me?

What if my best is equal to someone else’s failure?

What if my best hurts someone?

I think the problem is that I have always assumed that “my best” was an arrival point, a plateau. I don’t know if anyone else feels this way, but just in case this helps anyone else, here is what I have realized after being let down by my “best” over and over and over again.

Your “best” is the process, not the product. 

Your best may not always be enough to achieve what you’re striving for, but it will ALWAYS be enough for the thing the matters the most – the development of your soul (self, being, essence, or whatever you subscribe to in this scenario). 

Your best can be challenging to quantify and frustrating to pursue. So frustrating that it causes anxiety and unhealthy expectations. Of course, we should always be pushing ourselves to increase our capacities and improve our abilities and we should constantly be evolving. But this HAS TO come from a place of LOVE if we are to sustain healthy growth.

I have realized that if I set my intention, then whatever I do is my best. As a flutist, if my intention is to create beauty, and I focus on that during my performance, no matter how everything else goes, I will have done my best. This I can quantify. This I can measure.

If you want to do your best, then develop your integrity as a person and as a professional. 

If you want to do your best, find something wonderful to believe in. A positive belief contains hope, which is a more powerful incentive than any award.

The important question, then, is this: Do your beliefs lead you to hope?

Below is currently my fav quote about doing my best:

“In the end, only three things matter:

how much you loved,

how gently you lived,

and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.” (unknown)

 

So, I’ve decided I no longer want to try to be my best. Instead, I want to be kind, be gentle, be bold, be patient, be daring, and be believing.

 

What are you going to be?

 

The Dangers of Self-Discipline

You ever notice that the main characters in movies, books, and stories are often the heroes? They fight well, play hard, and sacrifice everything to do the right thing...in the end...most of the time. But most of the time they're also emotionally dysfunctional, with walls up the wazoo and their work gets in the way of their relationships. Series are full of one-night stands, and hot encounters that last just long enough to heat up the screen time. And yet they are disciplined, toned, skilled. 

Heroes. 

(The nerds are having their say as well, but often as comedic relief or the savant genius.) 

As soon as the broken hero heals, the excitement disappears and usually, the show/movie/story loses its edge. (Except for Avatar: The Last Airbender. But it's in a class of its own.)

I mean, can you imagine a cheerful Batman? A contented Batman, without his vendetta, and full of forgiveness and self-awareness that allows him to heal and love healthily? 

I bring all of this up to say that heroes are usually depicted as highly self-disciplined but broken...as if their discipline makes up for their brokenness.

 

But it doesn't. 

Discipline can never replace emotional health, no matter how good it looks on screen or how satisfying or self-righteous it feels. 

So, I say FIRE self-discipline. Its pros do not outweigh its cons. Its costs are too high for too little return. 

Instead, hire self-parenting. 

Self-parenting is exactly what it sounds like: treating yourself with the perspective, understanding, patience, compassion, and support of a loving, appropriate parent.

It means talking yourself through difficult situations with patience, trust, and understanding. 

It means celebrating your wins - ALL of your wins - even if no one else gets it.

It means not abandoning yourself when you make a mistake or slip up. 

It means being honest with yourself, and not sugar-coating it, but not punishing yourself for failures, mistakes, or bad decisions. 

It means treating yourself with respect, regardless of what other people think.

It means taking care of yourself so that you have the bandwidth to help and support other people. 

I've made a few laundry lists of reasons why you too, should make the switch. 

The "Versus" List

Self Discipline vs. Self-Parenting:

- Perfectionist vs. Maturity

- Walls vs. Appropriate Boundaries

- Expectations vs. Safety

- Hard, Stiff, Overexposed, Brittle vs. Pliable, Adaptable, Flexible, Unbreakable

- Stunted Emotional Growth vs. Emotional Intelligence

- Disproportionate vs. Balanced

- Containment (quarantine) vs. Evolution (immunity) 

The "Maintains" List:

* Self-parenting maintains vulnerability while making room for healing

* Self-parenting maintains honesty while making room for self-confidence

* Self-parenting maintains excellence while making room for human error

The "Psychology" List: 

1. How do crisis negotiators talk down dangerous people? By parenting them. Read more HERE.

2. The self-parenting approach is an effective way to talk to someone who has been traumatized. And all humans have been traumatized in one way or another. 

3. Self-parenting means you don't have to wait for someone to love you enough before you can be content with your life. Your happiness is not dependent on anyone else, because you are always trying to treat yourself with kindness and respect. 

4. Self-parenting helps clear away the baggage and makes room for love.

Things to Remember:

- We all need help from other people. We all need other people. But self-parenting allows us to develop stability.

- It's not always natural to think or feel this way. That's ok. It is all a process.

- You won't always feel what you want to feel and your feelings won't always support what you want to do. But you can always choose to act to the best of your ability - no matter what that is in the current moment. What you have to give at that moment is enough. 

You got this. 

Why Believing In God Is Worth It

I was watching this show the other day. High quality stuff, you know, straight-forward cops and robbers, when all of a sudden, this little theological bombshell drops out of nowhere.

The dialogue went something like this:

Bad guy: Do you believe in God?

Good gal: *stares stoically*

Bad guy: I know exactly what you mean…because I feel the same way.

Good gal: *continues to stare stoically*

Bad guy: Because to believe in God means that you no longer believe in yourself.

CUT! CUT! CUT!

*backstory* It’s almost as if he came to one of those “life-defining” moments and he could only see two doors:

One was apparently marked “Be religious and feel like a loser because you weren’t strong enough to figure it out on your own”

and the second door must have read “Steal things, shoot things, and feel successful!”

 If those were the two options, I would have picked the bad guy door too.

To set Robber Joe straight, I’ve made a list of reasons why I personally can say that believing in God exponentially increases our ability, our capacity, and our desire to believe in ourselves.

I take bigger risks

I don’t mean the “run out into traffic” type of risks.

I mean the pause-your-education-in-the-middle-of-your-career-and-live-in-a-different-country-talking-to-people-about-God-for-18-months risk, only to find out you’re a much better musician for it.

I constantly do things that scare me, because I believe that fear serves a function and can be tamed.

And sometimes that means the biggest risk of all. To wait. To believe that “not now” is not “never”.

I make fewer mistakes (at least those that actually matter)

Because I trust God, I try to obey Him. And if my goal is to obey God’s commandments, follow my dreams, and reach out to people in love, my decisions end up being very safe and very effective. It allows the decision-making process to be rooted in perspective and mercy. That doesn’t mean I always do the right thing, but it means it’s my goal.

I continually have unexpected adventures

Following God means you do things, say things, and go places that you never would think of on your own. Just one example, as a missionary in Germany, my missionary companion Sister Markl and I were walking down a street and we crossed paths with this guy. We introduced ourselves and what we do, and he was like “Thanks but no thanks. God isn’t for me, I’m an atheist.” We started walking away, in opposite directions, when I was suddenly filled with this strange need to turn around and shout at the guy. Now, this is not recommended as missionaries, and I don’t usually recommend it to myself, either, but it was a really strong feeling. So, I turned around, and yelled down the street in his direction: “IF YOU PRAY TO GOD TONIGHT, AND ASK HIM IF HE IS THERE, HE WILL ANSWER YOU…HAVE A NICE DAY!”

And then we headed back to the bus stop.

He came around the corner as well, and I was like

oohh...awkward....yup, we're still here

And then he comes up to us, and is like

"Ok…you have until 17:30 to try to convert me."

We were shocked. And what followed was this beautiful connection and a beautiful conversation.

I believe that there are answers

God’s love applies to everyone individually. I believe that no one falls through the cracks, no one gets forgotten. Not by God. But I acknowledge the deep contradictions that are woven into the very fabric of being alive. Because we live in a messy world, things get complicated, and painful, and gut wrenching. But never unsolvable. I wish we would believe that more than we do.

I actually expect my dreams to happen

I believe that because of Jesus Christ, my mistakes and weaknesses, my slip-ups and whoopies won’t keep me from fulfilling my dreams. I believe that God is a granter of wishes and a bestower of dreams. Sometimes His realizations of our dreams are so much bigger than we anticipate that we don’t recognize them right away. But He always gives us what we’re honestly searching for.  

I experience a more profound independence

Believing in God and making Him a part of my everyday increases my independence. It makes me more independent from my fears, worries, anxieties, shortcomings and from the opinions of others. And not the Marvel/DC/hero-type independence that requires me to gallantly hide my deep feelings of hurt and betrayal and be the martyr in every situation, giving no thought to my own health, but rather the kind of independence that allows me to look my grief/fears/prickles/trauma in the face and say “Thank you for your contribution to my life. Good-bye now.” And maybe it takes a while. Maybe it takes years, but it does leave. And it leaves without leaving scars.

What’s even better is that in trying to live the way God asks us to, I have been able to work on developing interdependence, which is the healthiest way to live anyway.

I find the humor in everything

Believing that God has a individually-tailored plan for each of us turns life into one great beautiful puzzle, and unraveling the facets and the life-puns, and the irony, and the breathtaking interplay between God and humankind, and between people makes life so interesting, painful, and so often hilarious.  

I have an undying belief in love

Loving and reverencing God means I feel loved by someone other than myself and that love is not dependent on mood, weakness, love-language, misunderstanding, or anything else. ever. So, the broken needy bits of my soul can be soothed and fed so that I can love other people more honestly, truthfully, and completely. 

I am not afraid of being wrong

This one I’m still a total newbie at. But, the principle is that mistakes don’t define us, and being wrong means we’re growing. It means believing even if everything goes wrong, that the universe in fact does NOT have it out for you, that you still can choose what happens next, and the rough parts will either facilitate or contrast the happy parts, and either way, your pain isn’t useless.

It’s understanding that God doesn’t take choice away from us, He fills the gaps and the voids left behind when we do.

Here’s the kicker:

I don’t have to do it alone

Believing in God means I always ALWAYS know that there is someone who will believe in me, who stands by me, who gives me space and room to grow, and never EVER underestimates me, even when I can’t imagine any of those things about myself. 

And He does it PERFECTLY. 

FLAWLESSLY. 

COMPLETELY. 

UNBIASEDLY. 

BEAUTIFULLY.

Who wouldn’t want that?

Guilty as Charged: Guilt and Shame in Religion

Hi there.

It's been a while since I've posted here. 

Guilt has been on my mind big time the last few months. I've finally come to some sort of conclusion to the threads in my head, and tentatively share them with you here. :)   

I think we’ve all at one time or another collided with the abrasiveness of shame and guilt.

There’s that moment of impact where everything just shatters. One minute you’re fine, and the next reality’s been sucked away from you like trash off a starship, zapped out into the humiliation of eternal suspension, except it isn’t trash, it’s your life. Or like inhaling helium instead of oxygen and suddenly you don’t recognize your own voice, and everyone is laughing, only it isn’t funny, ‘cause that’s your self-respect on the ground.

The worst though, is the forgetting. Because the guilt robs you of courage, you forget that you had any to begin with and you’re left feeling hollow, but never empty.

Never empty.

The only safe space becomes arm’s length, because the alternative is a blubber puddle in the smallest corner of your mattress, and even then, you feel gargantuan,

and yet somehow perfectly invisible,

all at the same time.

It’s intense, peeps.

But here’s what my first year of my DMA is teaching me:

Guilt is usually a cover for not accepting ourselves. Instead of staring our inconsistencies in the face and loving ourselves anyway, we hide behind guilt. The thing is, feeling guilty or shaming ourselves means that we don’t have to be honest with ourselves. We don't have to look at the contradictions of what we're feeling and try to make sense of it. We can just feel bad and punish ourselves by withholding love and expectation of success, which “restores the balance” and eventually can become so habitual that it triggers the reward receptors in our brain.

That’s really important. I want to state that again.

Feeling guilty tells the brain that we’ve done something right.

Feeling guilty can make us feel good.

Living in guilt means our brains our broken and we just got played by our emotions.

Actually, it means that we need to give ourselves some TLC...and admit that we’ve experienced a type of trauma that the brain is trying to cope with.

Like seriously.

It also means that we need to repent. As in “…forming a fresh view of God, ourselves, and the world.”

Repentance always brings godly sorrow which SHOULD NOT be confused with guilt or shame (which if you follow the hyperlink to the scripture, I associate guilt and shame with "sorrow of the world").  

Godly sorrow is something very different than guilt. It can hurt, absolutely, but it NEVER will cause shame. It will NEVER leave us feeling worth less. Godly sorrow brings with the pain of recognition an intense desire, motivation, and belief in permanent change and healing. (Or, if you ask Paul, resolution)

The instant our pain at what we’ve done wrong causes us to doubt our worth, ability, or expectation of happiness, it is no longer religion, but a lie.

Also keep in mind that if the brain is broken and our feelings are playing us, then those feelings of guilt we feel are often FALSE. Like should-be-kicked-out-to-the-curb-and-run-over-by-a-semi false. 

What might happen is that we’ll break. (who am I kidding? It WILL happen) And we’re supposed to break. It’s the only way to change on a deep subconscious level.

Break open,

break up,

break out,

and most importantly break through to a deeper understanding and freedom.

So…the point? The take away? The nugget of wisdom?

Nugget #1) God wants you to accept yourself completely. The good, the bad, the ugly, the awkward. All of it. He knows that the only way doing good things and obeying Him will become a state of being is if we first love and accept ourselves as we currently are. We can’t build a life on a lie and expect it to hold together. Doesn’t work.

Nugget #2) If you find that your life is a series of “if….then” statements, you’re probably reacting to guilt rather than living your life on your own terms.

“If I...then I deserve to…”

“If I …then I will know that I’m good at this”

“If I …then I can be successful”

Life is much more enriching if we go from the “because…” perspective.

“Because I want…I am willing to…”

Your life probably won’t end up looking that different, but it will feel like you’ve finally come home. You will feel REAL.

Why?

That’s what taking responsibility for our lives looks like and feels like.

It’s control.

It’s possibility.

It’s freedom.

Or in the words of Elder David A. Bednar it’s “acting and not being acted upon”.

I don’t know about you, but that sounds a lot better to me. 

Nugget #3) Guilt and shame are fear of failure in justice's clothing.

There is little I fear more than my disappointments and failures being my own fault.

 haha Too bad I'm a human being. 

 The beauty of the Gospel of Jesus Christ is that weaknesses  have a function and are meant to be catalysts of change instead of damning contributions to a messy and confusing life. Never let the ego of failure keep you from stretching outside of yourself. 

And kick guilt to the curb. You deserve so much better than that. 

God lives.

Christ is our Savior.

The church is true.

And life is beautiful...if somewhat messy and infuriating sometimes. 

~Gabbi

Naked in the Garden: Eve as the world's first feminist--and she too went topless

So here's the thing...


I am a feminist.
Like in the very basic sense of the word.

But here's the kicker:

According to my research, so were Adam and Eve.
Yup, Adam and Eve were feminists. Gender equality was their jam.  

I'm a feminist because I believe in absolute truth. I know that God is no respecter of persons, I know that agency, or the ability to choose how we think which determines how we feel, is the great equalizer, and I believe that everyone should have an equal chance at being awesome.

I believe Adam and Eve felt the same way.
So, here are 7 myths about Adam and Eve and their marriage that I've exposed, and have found to be proof that Eve, and Adam were in fact, bare-naked feminists.



 11 And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?

12 And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.                                                                                           13 And the Lord God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat. Genesis 3:12-13

Myth #1: Adam throws Eve under the bus

My truth: This here is an honest confession of what actually happened. It's not a betrayal, it's not finger pointing, and it's not inappropriate. To me, this gives insight into unity.
In order for there to be any kind of equality, there has to be individuality.
Unity is not possible without individuality.
And unity, at least for humans, is not actually about always having the same ideas all of the time, and never having any disagreements. Unity to me actually means that there is ENOUGH trust for spouses to have differing opinions.
Unity is about safety, the safety of a common purpose, a common cause, a shared goal, It means if I mess up, you've got my back, and if you slip, I'm there to reach out and grab you. It's not about pretending we didn't mess up, it's knowing that mess ups are part of the journey.

Myth #2: Eve is subjected to Adam

My truth: Eve accepts the PRIESTHOOD which Adam is given stewardship of....BIG DIFFERENCE. It's also implied that Eve/any woman reserves the right to check or balance her husband in any decision that she would not have made herself in righteousness anyway. Again, this means that while Adam is fulfilling a divine role as a Priesthood holder, he is still equal with Eve. Check every General Conference in the last few years, and you'll notice a huge emphasis on equal decisions, family councils, and general love and support of the spouses.

Myth #3: Because Adam holds the Priesthood, he also holds more power and weight in family decisions.
My truth: Being the Priesthood holder is about taking responsibility for the family, not about doing everything, or being in control.

Myth #4: man: woman, you wouldn't be here without my rib.
               woman: true, that could create a hierarchy.
My truth: Besides this whole rib thing being symbolic anyway...In general, man supports woman, woman nurtures man. (or a variety of permutations thereof)
We usually think of Eve coming from Adam's rib as something negative and possibly sexist, but I don't think it is.

                 man: God developed further what had already been created, so you need my support, and I need you to "be whole", which means we need each other in order to reach our potential.
               woman: I am part of you, which means you need me and I need you.

It fits a whole lot closer with Plato's two halves of a whole theory than it does dominion and submission.
(NOTE: This is in no way a commentary on the idea of "soulmates", or one gender being better than the other. My goal here is to clearly point out that men and women need each other on a very basic level.)

And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. Moses 3:25

I love this verse, for both of its possible implications.

Myth #5: Chastity means sex is bad.
My truth: Physical intimacy is beautiful and sacred. The bonds-or emotional connection and commitment- of marriage are meant to keep it that way.
...I'll just let Elder Richard G. Scott explain the rest:
“Within the enduring covenant of marriage, the Lord permits husband and wife the expression of the sacred procreative powers in all their loveliness and beauty within the bounds He has set. One purpose of this private, sacred, intimate experience is to provide the physical bodies for the spirits Father in Heaven wants to experience mortality. Another reason for these powerful and beautiful feelings of love is to bind husband and wife together in loyalty, fidelity, consideration of each other, and common purpose” (in Conference Report, Oct. 1994, 50; or Ensign, Nov. 1994, 38). 
Basically, physical intimacy as God intended it to be is all about equality.
There's no gray area here.

Myth #6: Weakness or "nakedness" makes me ugly. If my spouse were to see my weaknesses or mistakes, they wouldn't be able to love me...aka mistakes make me unworthy.
My truth: Marriage, in my opinion, should protect the most tender and vulnerable states of each individual, while allowing for maximum growth. Honesty coupled with acceptance.

Myth #7: Gender roles mean inequality
My truth: I do believe in gender roles, as far as they protect a couples' ability to give equally to their marriage. I also know that that can look different for different couples.

So there you go.
Take it as you will.


"Talk" about it:
It is Not Good for Man or Woman to Be Alone   Sheri Dew
Lessons from Eve   Elder Russel M. Nelson
Glorious Mother Eve  (this is a link to a document that should download, not a website) Vivian Mcconkie
5 Things Every Mormon Should Know About Mother EveBeverly Campbell, adapted from "Eve and the Choice Made in Eden

On the Art of Being Ugly

The world is chock-full of self-help, self-worth, self-awareness books, brochures, magazines, award-winning movies, seminars, and medications, and they are all telling us the same thing:

 "you are beautiful"
"you are worthwhile"
"you are brave"

and we want to believe it.
We want the truth to be that God  really does love us unconditionally, and that no matter how lame we may think we are, we are and always will be deserving of love.
So, we plan lessons, seminars, and activities about self-worth, self-identity, self-confidence, and we build each other up, we feel the sweet confirmation of the Spirit, and we believe it, just for second.

Then we go home, and the next time we look in the mirror, we expect to see beauty.
Because, after all, we are beautiful, right?

But sometimes we don't.

sometimes we see
weight,
lack of weight,
zits,
dark circles,
crooked teeth,
stringy hair,
way too thick hair,

or

no boyfriend
wrong boyfriend
desperation
age

or

regret,
fear,
sin,
mistakes,
weakness

and all of a sudden, the words "YOU are beautiful" becomes a mockery of what we thought we knew to be true, and the evidence to the contrary is literally staring us in the face!

But we're supposed to be beautiful!

So, being among the "they didn't skimp when they made you" body shape varieties, I don't know about you, but not using the"fat' word makes me feel like an ostrich who buried its head in the sand.
Yo, dude, I've got eyeballs!
I can SEE that this doesn't fit, so not using the "f" word doesn't make me feel better.
It makes me feel like I am running from reality.

But, I'm supposed to be beautiful.
But I don't see it.
So, what's the next logical thought?
Here I am, someone who believes in God, and good things, and I am not beautiful.

What did I do wrong?

I am not enough.
I somehow didn't make the "beautiful" cut.
It's the only conclusion that makes sense, right?

I am not enough.

The funny thing is, my feelings tell me I'm right, my heart tells me I'm wrong, and my brain is playing Switzerland.

"Beauty is on the inside" they say.
Yes, well my INSIDES are covered in cellulite, so not much beauty there.

"It's how you act that makes you beautiful" they try again.
ANYONE can act, but that doesn't make them real.


SO what the FLUPPITY FLIP FLIP am I supposed to do?


Then it hit me, like an apple from the proverbial tree.
It's okay to be ugly.


Huh?

the bad hair days, the dark circles, the weight, the lack of weight, the zits, the eyes too close together, all the ugly of everyday life, of the average, ordinary, sub-par everything, yeah, all of that.
It's OK to be that way.

I highly suggest that the next time your feelings tell you you've failed or that you are not beautiful, dance around in a circle yelling"IT'S OK TO BE UGLYYYYYY" at the top of your lungs. You'll be surprised at how good you feel.
You see, we've all got this idea that beauty has something to do with the level of attraction we create.
Well, you're absolutely right. Beauty has EVERYTHING to do with attraction.
But it's not what you think.

Beauty is in the make-up.
The spiritual genetic make-up, that is.

Beauty is light. Beauty is truth. Beauty is about real identity. And it attracts all that is good.
Beauty is not a face, form, or hair color. Beauty is simply represented by those things.

But, beauty as we define it, is in fact, pretty much irrelevant.

Beauty is real.
Ugly is also real, therefore, it is beautiful.

Besides, there really is no such thing as ugly. Only expectation. Of other ugly people.
HA

You're probably thinking right now "Umm..what's that one quote from the Incredibles...?"
This one?

Helen: Everyone's special, Dash.

Dash: [muttering] Which is another way of saying no one is.

That is exactly what I am saying.
Get over it.
You can't make yourself worth more because your face is covered in synthetically created substances, which highlight the features that pretty much everyone else has too. Features like eyes, ears, lips, etc.
Get over yourself, well, the lying, selfish, dumb part, anyway.
Set yourself free from the 'gilded cage' of expectations caused by insecure people who weren't bold enough to embrace the "ugly" and see the real pretty.

P.S. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE makeup and a pair of really fabulous heels, but I would also love it if we spent more time embracing the joy of living in a body, rather than fussing over if our faces or cheeks make the "sexy" cut.

You're right, you got me. This blog post is just another one of those "self-help, self-worth, self-awareness books, brochures, magazines, award-winning movies, seminars, medications" ploys to get you to see it how it really is.

You are beautiful.

And when you feel ugly, just rock it. It looks good on you.

What Your Feelings Say About You

Everyone has the right and responsibility to feel. But it's not the emotion itself that is important. It is the mindset behind it that has the real juice. Thinking that our emotions or how we feel entitle us to certain privileges it like going into a movie rental store where the cases are empty and you have to get the actual DVD at the desk, and picking out a show of your choice and walking out without paying for it. You have EVERY right to choose whatever movie strikes your fancy. But if you walk out of the store without paying the price for the real thing, all you are left with is an empty case, or an illusion of satisfaction.

Feelings and emotions are a guide, not a conclusion.

Here is a list of things I consider important to understand about feelings.

There are some emotions that are not feelings.

Sorry. 

Frustration is one. Frustration is not a feeling, it is an emotion caused by the stagnation or collision of feelings like fear, sadness, guilt, and embarrassment. It is a state of mind that is keeps the feelings clogged in one place. When your feelings are stuck like that, it is very hard to progress on any level. It's like blocked airways. You will literally and figuratively choke unless you unclog or untangle the wad of emotion.



                                You cannot blame someone else for your stagnate state. 


Please watch this 3:36 minute clip of goodness. Wayne Dyer "When you change the way you look at things "


If you do not take responsibility for your own feelings, you will never be truly happy.

Your emotions are a direct reflection of your mindset/what you think of yourself.

I'm going to use the emotion of happiness for the following examples, because it is an easy one to talk about. It lends itself well to vague references. :)

 Happiness is basically when you feel good about yourself and others. You are content and pleased with the way things are, and you feel safe enough to be yourself. Usually we have to achieve certain things in order to feel this way about ourselves, and that varies from person to person. I call these expectations.

If we see happiness as being:

wealthy, thin, acne-free, and married/single,
an innocent victim,
a person with goodness that people don't recognize,
someone who does everything for everyone,
someone who always says the right thing
the best at whatever

then our "happiness meter" will be triggered in proportion to how close we get to our expectations. If we don't meet those expectations, then we won't be happy. We would never accept a study done on only one subject, we would say that there was not enough data to make a intelligent conclusion, so why on earth would we rely only on what we have experienced without considering other possibilities?

We have to believe in a happiness that is bigger than ourselves. If we try to keep it applicable only to us, we damage its ability to be healthy inside of us. We stunt its growth, and consign ourselves to mediocre happiness.

Thinking that way makes people feel like they are in love because their relationship fulfills what they had decided was the ideal. But it turns out it wasn't love, and it almost ruins them. It makes people victims, or hard to love, or literally ugly, because they think that is the only way they can be happy, because it is the only way they can be right.

If we are feeling doubt, fear, pain, sorrow, it's essentially our subconscious trying to get our attention.

Choosing what to feel does not cheapen the depth of your feelings.

 I used to think that emotions or love were like a good joke. If you have to explain the punch-line, then the joke is basically dead. But the more emotionally intelligent I become, the more obvious it is that this theory is false.

 I want to be happy. But unless I am willing to look at a bad performance, a bad date, a bad day, a bad week, a rude comment or an insensitive encounter as a stepping stone to that happiness, then really I am not reaching for happiness, but rather I'm expecting it to reach for me.

 Do you really want to give circumstance that much credit?

 Do we even really know what deep happiness is? How will we know what it is until we feel it? How do we know if what we are feeling is even close to what is possible? The only way to really know is to understand the mindset behind the feeling.

Are my feelings based on truth?
Are they based on what is really happening, or only what I perceive is happening?

 Am I really going to be so selfish as to assume that I am an island, and what I am feeling is the only thing that should dictate what I choose to do? Follow your heart, the saying goes, it doesn't say follow your hangry heart, or your chemical imbalance or your misconceptions and bad expectations. Or your one bad experience, or your several bad experiences, or whatever it is. It says follow your heart. That means you have to get past the crap and see what is really going on in there. And that requires feeling and analyzing.

What do you want? From life? For those you love? What do you want to feel? Become? Inspire?

Focus on that. Be willing to look for the signs of what you want in everything that happens to you. Your feelings will follow because your expectations will change to fit what you want.

When your desires and your emotions disagree it means your choices don't line up with your expectations. 

Like this: You love your child, brother, spouse, and you want to treat them with love, but then they do something that makes you so angry that you yell at them and hurt their feelings. Your anger contradicted your desire to show love. And then you feel gross and guilty and you want to run away and hide, so more often than not, you end up lashing out again, because you feel so torn up and you don't know how to turn back the clock.

 If you are angry at someone, it means you are defending specific expectations. Sometimes they are good expectations, like proper boundaries, communication, etc. But more often than not, they are weird things buried deep in our psyche, like:

 "If you love me, you would always show me the respect that I think I should deserve, even if I hurt your feelings, and make you feel exploited or squelched in the process. My expectations are of more value than yours."
"If you feel that way, it makes me a bad parent."
"You should know how I feel."
"I'm always right. Otherwise I am nothing. You need to tell me that I'm right."
"I hinted enough. Why aren't you observant enough?"
"If you really loved me, you would know what I want."

UM...selfish.

Good news is, we are all like that. 

Emotions are a part of everyday life, and we should allow for a steep learning curve.

Let's be real. I mean really. Who are we kidding? We can't be perfect, and we shouldn't expect ourselves to be perfect. Someone I really respect said that it doesn't matter what a person's weaknesses are, it matters how willing they are to change. We can live with imperfection. It's when they start expecting things at other our expense that it becomes an issue.  And that means we have to share feelings, and it's going to be confusing, messy, weird, uncomfortable, etc. But that doesn't make it any less important.  

Here is a formula for communicating feelings in an open, sincere way:

I feel____________
 {joy, sadness anger, worry, guilt, shame, embarrassed, grief (wailing), fear, overwhelmed (overjoy)}

about____________
noun--use only three words to describe it

because__________
words to do with self

This is not a bashing session. It is a formula that allows you to safely acknowledge out loud and to the other people involved what part of an experience is your responsibility.We can only change our end of what is happening.

Great quote by Dr. John Lund:

"No one will change a person who is unwilling to change. Not even fear of death by cancer will stop the smoker who is unwilling to change. People don’t change people. People change themselves or are changed by the Holy Ghost."

It's important to check in with our feelings. But we also need to understand this. If being in pain becomes more important than the people around us, then we have stepped over the line. 

The more you hide from what you're feelings, the more dangerous and insistent they become.

 Wanting it to be something different is not going to make them go away. Feelings don't die. They are essentially energy, and that has to go somewhere.

It can make one feel so weak to recognize what we are actually feeling, because so much of it is complicated and selfish, along with being good.

We cannot act perfectly Christ-like because we live in a fallen world and we are working with other fallen peeps like ourselves, so we have to understand that, we have to begin to understand how much the Lord allows for our benefit. Do we really understand what He does for us on a daily basis? If we really understood, I mean REALLY understood what we were responsible for, for how much of the pain we feel is caused by our own incompetence, if we really could see how rarely we are ever victims to anything but our own stupidity we would literally break. Like our bodies could not handle it and we would just die. Every thought, every word, every action has a reaction. Think about that. Every single breath is creating, destroying, or recreating what we want, and we're not even willing to notice the carnage we leave in our wake. 

But it's a good thing. There is so much hope, so much happiness in store for each of us. We just have to be willing to believe it's there. Let's let go of our attachment to negative expectation and embrace the reality of hope.

 


Hope is a mindset, a choice, a mixture of feelings that reflect our desire to act. Hope means we understand that things could go wrong, that we could mess up, but it doesn't cripple us. It doesn't cripple us because we believe that all things have potential. Good potential.