Reaching Success

     It is impossible to reach success without hoping for it. Hope is based in expectation; if we desire something enough, it will create an expectation that brings hope.
Hope is a powerful emotion, it initiates action and is a catalyst for change. Hope is the attitude we bring to life that most realistically reflects the nature of our expectations. In other words, hope is the filter through which we assimilate the mundane. It is a motivating emotion, it causes action and reaction.

One of my favorite games to play around the Holidays is Nertz. Nertz is a fast-paced card game that requires quick thinking and primed reflexes. If you want the full rules, go to this link: Rules
Basic info:
     3-8 players
     Each player gets their own deck--each deck has to have some unique marking so it can be identified at the end of each round.
Setup:
     Take out the jokers.
     Four cards face up and a stack of 12 cards with the top card face up.
     Keep the rest of the deck face down in your hand.
Objective:
     Play all 12 cards in the stack out in the middle and yell "Nertz" before anyone else can.
Rules:
    Shuffle every third card in your deck, use when possible and when you can't use your middle cards.
    Fill decks starting from A and going to K, as fast as possible, working off of what other people have put down.
    Any betrayal is appropriate, except for purposely pushing someone's cards off of the table. ("purposely" being the operative word.)
   

In short, Nertz is like a bunch of games of Solitaire going on at the same time with a bunch of people trying to complete the decks first.

Nertz is my bread and butter, and combined with my perfectionism tendencies and my vigor for life, it becomes a perfect way to learn valuable lessons, because I become super involved in the game.
    
While visiting family over Thanksgiving, I had taken a nap and walked in on a group of people playing Nertz. I immediately joined in and proceeded to win the next several games. As a result, I was banished to the far side of the table, where it was harder to reach the cards. I started to loose games. Here is a sampling of the thoughts that ran through my head:

            "What if I'm not actually good at this game and it was just where I was sitting?"    

            "Why can't they accept that I'm good at this game and just leave me alone?"

             "Why am I so bothered about loosing?"

             "I think my mojo is off." 

             "If only I was confident enough, I could get over my fear and start playing well again."

             "I feel like I've frozen and my brain's not working."

             "Is there a way to balance confidence with desperation?"   

In thinking on it in more detail, I realized that this was a classic example of confidence vs. ego, or faith vs. arm of flesh. How was I to be confident in my playing and in the outcome of the game without making it an issue of my winning? I took a break to collect my thoughts then returned to the game later in the day with these new questions in mind. I noticed that the more I focused on exactly where to put my cards, the slower I worked. It was when I was willing to take every opportunity to lay down any card, and not put my hopes all onto one occurrence that I started to win again.

Living life with hope means expecting that every situation has something beneficial and even wonderful to offer you, even when you are getting hemmed in on every side. We need to believe in the overall outcome, choose what we want from life, then assume that everything that happens will help us get there. Anything else, and we are allowing things to happen to us, rather than for or with us. The only difference is the amount of hope we allow into our lives.

Hope is the greatest the feeling of control we will ever experience in our lives, because it is the ONLY emotion that allows us to make sense of things that don't go according to plan without compromising the pure and distilled dreams of our souls.

The Phoenix

As far as I have seen, people seem to assume (whether consciously or sub-consciously) that perfection means absence of something, such as the absence of mistakes, difficulty or inconvenience. But perfection is actually the presence of something. It means completion, and true completion has texture, a texture forged out of those moments that seem to be so much less than perfect.


Another word we often use as the synonymous equivalent of perfection is happiness. In a similar way, happiness does not lie in the absence of sorrow but in the completion of self. Besides, if you think about it, sorrow is really just an emotional acknowledgement of the existence of a void. We are all just trying to fill in the holes we can sense in our souls. Either that, or we spend our lives pretending they don't exist. (not recommended for your long-term health) To me, that is the real definition of ignorance. *Ignorance: Purposeful (whether conscious or sub-conscious) avoidance of truth in order to sidestep responsibility. 

Responsibility hurts. That moment when you realize most of the frustrating things happening in your life are your fault, and you gotta pick up the stride, or get trampled by your own guilt. It can be overwhelming, but it's also exciting. We are in so much more control of the elements of our lives than we realize. We as human beings are naturally vulnerable; any defense we put up comes from trying to manage our fears, hurts and disappointments. With this innate state of vulnerability comes an impressionability. So much of what we do is a reaction to what we experience.  When we stop reacting and start acting we will really come to understand ourselves. Our agendas,  our sense of morality, and general life perspective come initially in a reactionary form and will never really be absorbed into the psyche until they exist separately from their original source. This is why we need repetition in our lives. 

In Institute the other day we were talking about the final judgement and this scripture in Alma 11:43 came up.

  The spirit and the body shall be reunited again in its perfect form; both limb and joint shall be restored to its proper frame, even as we now are at this time; and we shall be brought to stand before God, knowing even as we know now, and have a bright recollection of all our guilt.

Simply put, until we have a clear understanding of the role we have in our own lives, aka "a bright recollection of our guilt", we will never progress beyond the bare minimum. True mediocrity only exists because we turn a blind eye to our own responsibilities and capabilities. In most cases, we shirk in our responsibility to accept how cool we each are, and that just causes problems because in an effort to fill the void in other ways, it breeds desperation and selfishness. 

Because the gospel of Jesus Christ is perfect, the principles and doctrine of Christ apply on the large scale and the small scale. On the large scale, judgement is the final awareness that is  part of the plan of salvation, part of the plan that gets us back to God to live in glory and true happiness for eternity. On a smaller scale judgement, in its real and truest form, is the birth of a second chance. It redirects and spreads the energy of the emotion we placed into one type of thought and opens the way to choosing another path, one that is more beneficial. 

Weakness and its consequences place us in an emotional environment that allows us to see more clearly our

own vulnerability and therefore our need for truth. Without weakness, we would never find awareness proportionate to lasting progression. It kicks up dust on our pathway of life, allowing the light up ahead to be defined more clearly. Like the phoenix, mistakes pass a sort of judgement and death on a given reality, allowing us to choose from the ashes if that is the direction we really want to go. 

Music is the same way. Every mistake in the practice room, every flubbed performance is an opportunity for the brain to create new synapses that are more conducive to the type of performance we are trying to create. Mistakes tend to be something we try to avoid with an iron will, but I think once we embrace them as part of the process, we will be able to use the energy spent on worrying to seek for perspectives that uplift and build.

One more thought on judgement and weakness. Judgement does not define who we are, it actually exists outside of our identity. It serves a function to provide clarity and knowledge, but it doesn't mean we should kick ourselves. It is really a hopeful situation. It facilitates true evolution. 

"And wuv, tru wuv..."

October 12, 2013,

Blogging about women and the priesthood has brought to the surface all my many trains of thought on the subject of what constitutes an equal, fulfilling, and happy partnership in marriage. So, I figure this is as good a time as any to post. Fact: The equality of the priesthood and motherhood is founded on the eternal truth that men and women are suppose to be equally powerful.

It is a logical function of the brain to toss out anything that isn't working; it is in fact, a survival mechanism and serves us well in many settings. One place I don't think it's working for us is in the current views (based on current statistics) on marriage. I think the way the brain works is if this mechanism is activated too many times in one setting, it sends the conclusion to the brain and eventually the heart that the we should remove ourselves from the setting permanently. Now insert the contradiction: the innate and ingrown fear of what we don't know and can't control...which leads to a sense of emotional paralysis. In other words, most people are emotional pack-rats. The result? Divorce, separation, and high amounts of pain, frustration, heartbreak and repulsion.

Dr. John L. Lund has said something along the lines that it's time we were honest and admit that we will either marry our greatest trial or give birth to it. (not that men give birth birth, but you get the concept.) So, it makes sense that emotional paralysis could happen often in marriage. So what's up with this?

     I think we are misusing the structure of marriage. I don't think the structure itself is the issue, for God's laws are truth, but I think it's important to remember that we need to apply truth to truth, otherwise we turn truth into a lie. God will not be mocked and we cannot expect that we will be excused for actions committed in the name of misused truth. It is impossible for us to be saved -or find any semblance of happiness- in our ignorance*. It's time to step up to the plate and be real, otherwise we are going to get left behind, crippled by our own fear of doing something wrong. 1 Peter 1:14, Ephesians 4:18. Doctrine and Covenants 131:6

*Ignorance: Purposeful (whether conscious or sub-conscious) avoidance of truth in order to sidestep responsibility.

I am currently very single, therefore I can understand any trepidation about trusting or considering the words of someone who has never really "been there", or "knows what it's like".  However, my singleness also leaves me as a very unbiased and interested third party, a party who is more than willing to face and address her misconceptions about marriage and marriage relationships. I am also a hopeless romantic, complete with all the gushy, mushy, poem-writing tendencies that come with it. So, while I may not be the most experienced source, I believe there is some merit in what I am about to say.

1. Sacrificing too much is just as bad as not sacrificing enough.

     They say marriage is give and take, a meeting at the half-way point and in order to give and take, you have to compromise and compromise requires sacrifice. For the record, I hate the word compromise in this context. Marriage is about bringing two different people with different backgrounds and outlooks together and creating a new future. It's cooperation, not compromise. It's a merger, equal companies joining assets to improve productivity and net increase.It sounds like merging traffic during rush hour to me.  What it does not require is sacrificing identity. There is a huge difference. A marriage only works if both individual identities remain uncompromised.  Characteristics or tendencies such as anger, impatience, selfishness, martyr complex, etc, need to be addressed in a relationship because they only manifest at the expense of another person's identity; they play off of the weak or insecure points in a person's character. They are the very antitheses of love, both for self or for other people. They are also defensive mechanisms, a desperate, albeit typical attempt to protect one's vulnerability. It is taking the energy of the true emotion and projecting it outward into an emotion that effectively takes the responsibility off of you and onto another person or circumstance. Sacrificing too much is also a defense mechanism. It is protecting ourselves from the understanding that we can never be perfect, we can never control a situation enough to avoid pain, frustration or aggravation. It is the ultimate cover-up. Sacrificing too much means trying to be the answer to everything, always being the one to give in, give up, or fall back in order to avoid confrontation. These things are crucial to a healthy marriage relationship, but there is a line. A line that gets crossed too often.

     Here is the kicker: If you are sacrificing too much, then you are encouraging/causing/teaching your spouse to sacrifice too little. Funny thing is, the real change in the relationship usually comes down to the "weaker" (horrible word, but it gets the point across) person or the person who looks most like the victim.

It's a doubly-barbed threat either way, in order to truly fill someone's needs, you have to fill your own. The merger comes when you start to realize what are needs and what are societal and background-based expectations that are expendable.

2. "Love at home" does not mean "Happy at home all of the time".

Home is that safe place where the beautiful after the storm can happen, can be savored, can live. Home is the go-between between heaven and hell, wrong and right, chaos and stability, love and hate, fear and faith. That means it's going to get messy. It's not a sterile environment, and that's ok. What better place than home?


3. If you feel like you are in the background and are unable to feel satisfaction in yourself, you are probably doing too much.

 If you are not feeling good about yourself, or if you feel unappreciated, then it means somewhere your needs aren't being met. Sometimes the decisions we make ourselves, even if they seem innocent enough are the very opposite of what we actually need and create this feeling of emptiness, and sometimes it is because the people we are involved are being dorks. However, either way, it is our personal responsibility to address the emptiness on the inside. They say that you cannot rely on circumstances to make you happy. Well, you can't. Our identity has to be filled with our own beliefs, our own understandings, and our own convictions, otherwise we are running on phantom fumes. If we rely on an outside source to validate our identity, say a neighbor, a parent, child, sibling, spouse, mentor, teacher, or otherwise, we are placing our sense of self in the hands of another mortal, one whose ideas, motivations, and feelings are subject to change at any time. In other words, we leave our sense of worth to be judged and juried by the fragility of human emotions.

Taking responsibility for this means that we are willing to address our needs. You can't save someone who is drowning unless you know how to swim, otherwise you'll just drag each other down. In the same way, it is impossible to really be there for the person you love if you haven't been there for yourself.

In order to be a supportive spouse, you have to be your own best cheerleader, you have to believe in yourself.

4. Loving someone means that you are willing to do the hard thing.

The presence of love doesn't mean the absence of pain, it means that the happy times go deeper and the pain isn't wasted.

It's quite the cliche, but in a relationship, honesty is the best policy. Why? Because suppression of any kind of truth, and I mean any kind of truth causes stagnation, or to put it more bluntly, damnation. Damnation in its literal definition, as a stoppage or force against progression. It's not about making choices that make it the easiest for everyone, that is not love. It is about making the choices that facilitate the most future.

5. Fairy tale vs. Happy Endings

Growing up, I was the queen of the fairy tale fantasy. I knew what it was suppose to be like, and I wanted it. There would be a man, handsome, kind, basically perfect and we would be the most beautiful couple, and we would be completely happy, with no arguments, no frustrations, we would like all the same things, and we would be the soul-iest soul mates this world had ever known. The dream, the expectation was my heart and soul. I felt like it would be the end, the destination, the pinnacle. It's been a journey to come to understand that what I really want is a happy ending, not a fairy tale. Well, I guess it's more correct to say a happy continuing, rather than a happy ending. The relationship is not an ending, it's a beginning, and more than that, it is a continuation of the you you were before. It comes down to realizing that it's not about the perfect fit, it's about the right fit. The fit that can support you, the fit that's got you're back, that's willing to give up the stupid things and hold to the important things, the fit that supports your dreams and gives you wings to fly, the fit that requires you to do the same for them, the fit that drives you to be a better and better you. It's not about the perfect fit, it's the right fit.

6. Being equally yoked.

Like I said before, the equality of the priesthood and motherhood is founded on the eternal truth that men and women are suppose to be equally powerful.  I am not intending to be sexist here, but I have seen so many women living more timidly than their true nature suggests and demands, because they think that is what is appropriate. Well folks, it's not. It is not appropriate. And the more timidly women choose to live, the more men will follow and the more it will become expected. That's the truth of the relationship between the priesthood and motherhood. That saying "Behind every good priesthood holder there is good woman"? Well, first of all, none of this "behind" stuff, that is total semantics. But the principal here is that women have the ability to set the tone of the progression of both self, children, and spouse. I am not ratting on men. Please understand that. I deeply respect men. But when I said our understanding of motherhood was compromised, I wasn't kidding. That was actually an understatement. It is our perception that is broken, not the system. I've seen it mostly in women, but that doesn't mean it only happens in that scenario. The bottom line is that people need to start being bold, because life is too stupid to be anything else. There is too much joy, too much opportunity to be had to waste time on being timid. There is only enough time to live.

7. The best way to avoid looking stupid is to take responsibility for your mistakes.

Like, really. It's not hard to spot. Might as well own up to it and keep your self-dignity intact. We have to be willing to take the risk that it might be our fault. I have seen so many times where people do not acknowledge their mistakes. So many times when people find it more important to be right than to be happy. From what I have observed, there is nothing more damaging than someone refusing to see the truth, especially if it means admitting that they messed up. Marriage is a risk. Happiness is a risky endeavor and it means we have to be willing to see, actually see. Not second guess, not dumb down, not punish, but see! That means it might be uncomfortable, but if nothing was ever uncomfortable, we would flat-line.


Anyway, I believe in love. I believe in passion. I believe in dreams, and growth, and hope. I believe in love.

Women and the Priesthood

October 6, 2013,

This is not really a topic associated with my blog but it has been something that has been on my mind a great deal the past few months.

There has been an increase of talk about this movement surrounding the church concerning the rights of women and the priesthood. I appreciate the complexity of this query in a time when every right, belief, law, and expectation is being dismantled, disabled, and analyzed to find its worth and relevancy to the human individual.

So here's my opinion on the subject.

In a nutshell:

I believe that our understanding of motherhood has been compromised. Motherhood and the priesthood are two halves of the same whole. They work in harmony, unison, and are fueled by the same source: God's own power. Motherhood and the priesthood are equal in importance, power, and capability. Simply stated, they are the same thing.

Let me start at what I think is the beginning. It's kind of a long trajectory, but bear with me. (It also doesn't help that I'm rather long-winded.)

1. God's power, and therefore the power of the priesthood, is love in its purest form.

     God is all powerful; He is omniscient, omnipresent, and omnipotent. But what makes Him King of Kings and Lord of Lords is the fact that He is perfect. God is perfect because His motivation and use of His all-encompassing knowledge are perfect. That means that everything God does is for the right reason. Everything He does is done with a complete understanding of the consequences and without any ulterior motives.  Anything short of that would not be true perfection, and God would not be God, but merely an opportunist.
       There are many names and titles used to try to describe the magnitude and beauty of God's character; names such as Bread of Life, Living Water, Lamb of God, and Savior, just to name a few. Another name is one that becomes very relevant here. 1 John 4:8 states that God is Love. Moving along this theme is John 3:16, where the depth of God's love becomes clear in His willingness to sacrifice even the most precious of treasures to procure an environment where His children would be able to have a chance to grow and be happy. Our salvation rides on the love of God and our Elder Brother Jesus Christ. The Atonement is functional because Jesus Christ put His love for His brothers and sisters and for God ahead of every other feeling possible and fulfilled the Atonement. He went below all things, felt every pain, every sin, every horrible, frightening, disappointing, saddening or confusing thing ever felt by anyone and came through it all to provide us a means of escape and healing. That is love, and that is also power, because by doing so He becomes Judge, Juror, and Savior. He holds justice in one hand and mercy in the other, and there is nothing more powerful than that.

     A parent's love is the closest natural feeling to God's perfect love.  Love, sacrifice, dedication, judgement, and mercy, when used appropriately, become crucial proponents to the raising of children.


*1 John 4:8, 1 John 4:16, Matthew 22:36-40, 2 Nephi 2.

2. God gave Adam and Eve two commandments in the Garden of Eden. Eve took of the fruit and Adam joined her to gain experience and to obey the first commandment: raise a family. 

     From "Our Glorious Mother Eve":

"If it were left up to Adam, Adam and Eve might still be in the Garden of Eden and we wouldn't be here at all. While Adam seemed content with the status quo, Eve was not.  She had been named, “the mother of all living”, long before she ever bore a child.  How long did she have to wait before fulfilling that responsibility?  Eve did not choose to leave the garden for trivial, selfish gratification.  She opened the way for the birth of the whole human family.  Eve had courage and wisdom to say "let's get this thing going".
    ...Because of their choice to partake of the fruit and leave the garden, Adam and Eve had to accept certain painful consequences.  But you don’t hear of their complaining, and Eve even expressed gladness at the opportunity their transgression made possible:  “Were it not for our transgression we never should have had seed, and never should have known good and evil, and the joy of our redemption, and the eternal life which God giveth unto all the obedient” (she considered herself one of the obedient)  (Moses 5:11)  
Fortunately for us as well, Adam concluded that God’s command to remain with his wife was more important than His command to abstain from the fruit.  Again, it wasn’t going to be good for man to be alone.  Paradise may have been great, but Adam and Eve were now sufficiently mature enough to move on to their “real job”. It was not like Milton’s a Paradise Lost, but a Paradise Outgrown..."


Parenthood is God's greatest glory. Moses 1:39

*Vivian McConkie Adams' "Our Glorious Mother Eve."


3. Families are central to the Creator's plan.

     "THE FIRST COMMANDMENT that God gave to Adam and Eve pertained to their potential for parenthood as husband and wife. We declare that God’s commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force..“Children are an heritage of the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, and to teach them to love and serve one another, observe the commandments of God, and be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives—mothers and fathers—will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations...THE FAMILY is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity...Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners"
   
     I realize that some of the language sounds like women are expected to be stuck at home, cut off from the rest of the world and tucked away from social and career-oriented aspirations. This is soo far from the truth it hurts. We have been told that home should be and is a piece of heaven on earth. It is the only place besides the temple that is the contact point between heaven and earth. God is asking us to spend more time nearer to Him? That's not a punishment, it is a compliment!
      My patriarchal blessing lists some of my qualities and gifts, it urges me to gain education, and learn all I can possibly learn, and then comes the clincher. It says that I need to gain this information to accomplish my greatest mission; that of being a wife and mother. This is not a let down. This is an insight into the sheer importance of this role. It  literally blows me away. I am working on my Masters degree and plan to obtain a DMA before I am done. I have come to understand that I need the experiences associated with my degrees in order to be able to fully be prepared for marriage and a family, and you know what, I am okay with that. I am so okay with that, because I want to become like God and I want to raise my children knowing that I am becoming fully converted.

I'd like to use a personal experience to illustrate another point. My mother did not complete a college degree, she finished some of her generals, and then married my Dad and began raising me and my three fellow hooligans. My mother is one of the most intelligent, powerful, beautiful, mature, generous, and incredible human beings I have ever met. Anyone who knows her will tell you the same thing. She is a veritable goddess incarnate. She has never stopped progressing, learning, exploring or growing. She has become what she is because of her experiences in rearing her overly emotional children and establishing an equal partnership with my dad. To me, she is a true example of a mother and she rejoices in her motherhood. She is powerful and bold, she is a true revolutionary, and her strength comes from reliance on the Lord and her dedication to motherhood. This is what motherhood provides us. True progression, true experiences that bring us closer to godhood.  

*The Family: A Proclamation to the World

4. Exaltation only comes through eternal marriage, and man and woman are equal partners.

      I suggest the everyone read Vivian McConkie Adams' "Our Glorious Mother Eve." It really provides clarity on the events in the Garden of Eden. It's just too good not to quote, so here we go:

"In English, the word “helpmeet” sounds like the woman was supposed to be an assistant of lesser status.  Those who have studied the word in ancient languages tell us it means equal partner, a power equal to, worthy of, exactly corresponding to.  Obviously more than just a companion dog.  
It comes from a root word that also implies to be strong, to succor, to rescue, to save, to “deliver from death”.   Eve was in very deed, a Savior to man, choosing to give up her lifestyle and life, die a mortal death that mankind might be.  It was her job to save those spirits waiting to come through the veil by giving them bodies. This is Eve’s legacy for all women, not just within the bounds of marriage and child bearing.   All daughters of Eve have the obligation to be as a “mother to all living”, dedicated to saving their own little corner of the world.   ...“Thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee” (Moses 4:22).  Some men will interpret this verse as God’s permission to disregard a woman’s wisdom and to force her desires to his. President Gordon B. Hinckley explained that Adam's "ruling over" Eve really means "to responsibly provide for, to protect, to strengthen and shield [his] wife." That sounds to me like more of a Christ-like role.  The greatest of all came to serve, not to be served.  (See Mark 10:44-45)
Like Adam, if men hearken carefully to the counsel of women, they may come to know, like Adam came to know, that women possess a certain kind of wisdom and power that men need.  President Harold B. Lee had said – “The purest form of revelation is the intuition of a righteous woman”. We can do more than provide the refreshments and pour the punch....
What can women learn from Eve?
They have inherited a divine intuition 
God trusts their judgment   
He has a great and marvelous plan for them   
They can do hard things   
Their righteous sacrifices are accepted   
They can seek truth, chose wisely, and accept the responsibility   
They can articulate spiritual truths   
They are born with the inherent right to be the saviors of human souls   
They are an absolute necessity to building up the kingdom of God on the earth today
It is my prayer that women will be able to move ahead boldly like Eve, to make wise and thoughtful choices, and know that they are precious daughters of God, of divine heritage and worthy and fit for His kingdom on earth and in heaven..."

The fact that exaltation is only possible through eternal marriage supports the fact that motherhood and the priesthood are equally important. We cannot be saved without each other. Marriage is not the last piece of the puzzle, but rather it is both the subject and the approach to the puzzle. Interdependence is a celestial law. Marriage is where this becomes most relevant. Spouses should be equally yoked, no one is more important. Priesthood responsibilities are meant to support and uplift the responsibilities of motherhood and vice versa. Becoming one, becoming unified is essential to becoming like God. This is just one of the myriad reasons why families and eternal marriage facilitate exaltation.

*D&C 131-132, Vivian McConkie Adams' "Our Glorious Mother Eve."
   

5. The qualities of a good priesthood holder are exactly the same as those of a good mother.
   
     Comparing a list of qualities is really when I started to realize the connection between motherhood and the priesthood. Look at Doctrine and Covenants 121: 41-45:

Persuasion              Pure knowledge                                                                          
Long-suffering        Without hypocrisy (real conversion)                                            
Gentleness              Without guile (pure motivation)                                                    
Meekness               Reproving betimes with sharpness when inspired, followed by    
Love unfeigned       Increased love (loving the sinner without loving the sin)
Kindness                Charity
Faith                        Virtue
Increased confidence through progression.
     The power of the priesthood is accessed through the same qualities that a mother develops through her nurturing. This tells me that the end results for both parties is the same. We are all working toward the same end goal, and in order to get there, we need the same qualities. We are all working to become like God, which means we need to emulate His attributes and understand how to use the power He will bestow upon us. A power that is only available to us as we pursue these characteristics.

6. There is a micro and a macro application to every principal of the gospel.

     Just like the earth was created spiritually before it was physically created, the truths of the gospel are infused into every atom of existence, which means that there will be recognizable patterns and cycles in all areas of life, temporal, spiritual, mental, emotional or otherwise, and there will be an distinct, though perhaps subtle parallel between the spiritual reality and the physical reality. This also means that principals, truths, and scriptures can be used to explain what needs to be done on the personal level as well as on a worldwide scale. This is why you can read the same verse of scripture over and over, and depending on your current circumstances, you will learn something different every single time. One example from the scriptures is the concept of Zion. Zion has two accepted definitions: Zion the physical place and Zion the state of heart. Both are required in order for the kingdom of the Lord to be prepared,  and for us to be in a place where we can really become like God. The physical location of Zion is a group of people who already have Zion in their hearts, so the state of heart needs to be acquired before the physical Zion can really be completed. You really can not have one without the other. Elder Christofferson states "Zion is Zion because of the character, attributes, and faithfulness of her citizens."

     Motherhood and the priesthood work in tandem to pursue both aspects of Zion. The only difference is that the priesthood deals more with big picture logistics while motherhood has the opportunity to influence the longer trajectory; that is, the environment of the first and most formative years of a person's life. It's like the priesthood is the typical branches of the FBI, while motherhood is a deep cover op. One is not more important than the other, and both are utterly crucial. One begins on the micro and the other ends on the macro.

*Mosiah 18:21, Colossians 2:2, "Come to Zion"  D. Todd Christofferson,

From what I understand, the priesthood and motherhood operate under the same power, and are in

essence the same thing. They are two sides of the same coin, mirror reflections, equal power contingencies, two halves of the same Oreo. No matter how you choose to eat your Oreos, or interpret truth, it is still an Oreo.

One thing that I want to make really clear. Based on these conclusions it is also important to state that motherhood is a calling, not an event! We have responsibilities and blessing available to us whether or not we are currently or ever will be raising children.

Maybe women will hold priesthood offices at some point. Cool, I'm happy with the possibility. That works for me. I honestly don't care either way. I think it is much more important to focus on the call and responsibilities we have been given now. I feel that there is more we can do, more we can understand, more we can trust in the Lord to raise His children in righteousness and rejoice in the power we have been given. That is power and responsibility enough. I don't think we are accessing the true power associated with the office of motherhood, and until we do that, until I do that personally, I am not worried about having a priesthood office, because I already have one. I'm going to be a mother.


I think it's important that we ask these questions; we would be naive to think we are going to make it through the years ahead without coming to our own grips on these topics. What I do not think is helpful is approaching sensitive and complicated questions like these as if they were faults in the constitution of a government. The church is not a system to be corrected, manipulated or cajoled into something that seems more fair, relevant, or discerning. It operates under the reality of absolute truth. Absolute truth, truth that exists above and despite what the current understanding or intelligence level of human beings happens to be at the moment. This usually means if there is changing to be done, it is on our part. Hard, yes, but what is our goal? A sense of immediate satisfaction or the real deal? Granted, the church is run by imperfect people, but God will not let human mistake compromise the progression of the Kingdom. We can trust that there is a means to the apparent madness, even if it includes mistakes. So I say go to the source. Go to God, ask Him what is truth, ask Him to give you understanding. He will answer for He is good. I know that more than I know anything else and it makes me glad.


~Gabbi



This is a great article. Women and the Priesthood

Quenching Thirst and Freeing the Tiger

July 26, 2013

Do you ever feel like your emotions are all pent up behind your rib cage, like a tiger in a pen? I do. One tiger that keeps on coming back is the need to compare. Usually it surfaces most readily in music. Let me tell you, this tiger knows how to bite, if you don't let it know who is boss.

Truth seemed to prowl like an enemy behind bars:
Feline and ferocious,
Eyes haunted and hungry;
Boring into my skin like a termite into wood.
It's clawed paws reaching the earth to in a hollow rhythm,
Too close in time to not be my heartbeat.

This is the first thing I read this morning:

   "...We get pictures in our head when we are taught some truth and presume that the picture is accurate. Then after we have repeated the "truth" often enough, we go on to believe the picture must be all-inclusive.
     Once we've arrived at that point, the truth no longer matters. We've decided the answers, and no further evidence will be considered...It is most certainly incomplete. It is, in fact, so far short of the whole story that when any part of the remaining, missing information is shown to [us we] are certain it is a lie.
      It is painful to part with our suppositions and the traditions we hold dear. It is painful to admit there may be much more of the picture we have not yet considered, much less seen. It causes anxiety and fear...We have wanted a complete, well-defined statement of our faith...It gives us security. It is a false security, purchased at the price of closed minds. It give us hope. It is false hope, based on the foolishness of the deluded." *

This concept, I thought was not new to me (President Uchtdorf spoke extensively about it on a Church Educational System Fireside What Is Truth?), but this morning, it, and a conversation that followed hit me

like a slug in the gut. Like a famished outcast, I realized I had been traveling in a crystal clear stream for miles without having bothered to stop and quench my thirst. This idea had never sunk in quite so deeply as it did now.

Often when my family drives long distances, we take along a book on CD, to help pass the miles. On our way back from Jackson, WY we were listening to the Bronze Bow. This book explores the confusion, passion, and turmoil surrounding the Zealots expectations for Jesus Christ during His ministry in Israel. Broken, burdened, and hardened under the load of the Roman rule, the Zealot's hearts beat with an aggressive desire for their freedom. Again and again, Christ spoke of the building of the Kingdom, and the fulfillment of long await prophecies. Emboldened, the Zealots sharpened their swords and waited for Christ to take up arms. But instead, He taught them to love their enemies, to feed the hungry and the poor, to accept all people as children of God. And then He was crucified. Their hope seemed crushed, like a delicate lily under the calloused heel of a Roman boot. But those who saw Christ for what He is and was, could see that He was building the foundation for a much greater, and much more permanent kingdom: The Kingdom of God.

I realized that I was being a Zealot. I saw the signs, and expected my results, instead of the whole picture, or the whole elephant, as President Uchtdorf would say. Musically I had a specific idea in mind, that would come after I had done or fulfilled certain things. But I've been missing the point. The only way to be rid of the tiger, is set it free into the wild, where it has its place. That's what I have found to be the best way to address feelings. This personal tiger needs to be set free with this truth: Humility is when you realize that your success does not depend on someone else's failure.

Your success is all your own. Feel free to be bold.


*"Removing the Condemnation" Denver Snuffer

Seeing the Brilliant Truth

June 15, 2013,

The older I get, the more I realize the importance of truth. Truth is really the thing that sets us free, because only when we see things as they really are, will we be able to move on, heal, grow, become, or reach for anything better than what we have. If we waste our time in denial, we are our only limiting ourselves and causing ourselves more pain.

It's like using a recorder in the practice room. A part of me doesn't want to hear how I sound, but if I don't listen, I'll always assume the audience is hearing what I think they're hearing, and that is usually
not the case. It's only when I feel safe enough to listen and to change that I can really create and project the message that leaps for breath in my soul.

This week I have realized one other type of denial that is just as crippling. That is an unwillingness to accept the breadth of our own gifts. The other day in church I was commenting on something and this idea just popped out. The more I think about it, the more I realize that it is true.

 If you are not feeling confident, then you are probably feeling a type of pride.

 In the words of President Benson:

The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means “hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.” It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.

Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God’s. When we direct our pride toward God, it is in the spirit of “my will and not thine be done.” As Paul said, they “seek their own, not the things which are Jesus Christ’s.” (Philip. 2:21. Beware of Pride

So, essentially, anything that is a state of opposition to God is a state of pride. It's important to me in this case because it means that fear and low self-esteem are in a state of opposition to God, and therefore pride. How exciting is that? I am so competitive in nature, and as a result, I have struggled with self-esteem. But, oh how freeing it is to accept the truth! To realize that I can feel confident, that it is enough to be who I am because I am a child of God. He does not make mistakes. He does not make "bad apples". It is my belief

that in general, unkind and inappropriate acts towards others is founded in unkind and inappropriate acts towards self. When we think unkind thoughts about ourselves, we are no longer seeking "the things which are Jesus Christ's." And that, in a nutshell, is pride. It's like an iris root believing that it does not have the right to become a flower. Progression and genius is in our very nature, because it is in God's nature.

I think this is one of the most amazing and hopeful things I have ever realized. It means we do not have to be afraid. Of anything. Period. This doesn't mean we won't feel pain, but it means that there is always an end to suffering. It means that life is essentially good, even if it hurts.

The crux of this idea is that confidence is not born simply of action, it is born of truth and of faith. Believing in a reality that we have not witnessed in the past. What a brilliant truth! This means we can change, this means we can grow, we can move forward, and progress, and we can do so while feeling good about ourselves. The entire way there. Confidence is a positive reliance on a desired outcome. Because of the Atonement, we can rely on a positive outcome even if we have never seen it happen before. This is what faith really means to me. It means there is hope for me and there is hope for everyone.

News flash: Good wins in the end. People are inherently good. Life is beautiful, people are beautiful. Tragedy can bring compassion. Our moments of pain are never wasted. We are cooler than we think we are. The church is true!

Remember, Remember.

June 17, 2013

Having been a sort of perfectionist, I have found that remembering can be painful because it's usually what you do when you've forgotten something. And forgetting means a definite lack of perfection, in a strange warped sort of way. But, remembering is much more than that.

I think that remembering is like a prism or a rainbow. White light breaks into different colors. In the same way, what we remember directly feeds into how we act. Any given emotion is not simply the feeling in

and of itself, but rather it is a culmination of several experiences and situations that have come together into one great whole or feeling, and it is feelings, or the lack of such, that motivate us to act. And it follows that what we choose to remember on any normal, average day will be what we will be able to process in a crisis, because it is the most supported train or series of thoughts. This is why practicing any skill is so crucial to its development and long-term retention.

In my opinion, music is all about remembering. It's remembering fingerings, patterns, styles, rules, rhythms, technical placements, and moments of glorious inspiration. Maybe that is part of what makes music so powerful, for in the act of remembering, a performer invites the audience to remember as well. It is a place where things forgotten or buried can be safely remembered.

Remembering is also vitally important in living the gospel. Helaman 5:12 We need to remember what the Lord has taught us, and what He has given us. The most beautiful moments in my life have been when I have remembered the Lord's goodness and mercy in my greatest moments of weakness or trial. It adds guaranteed sweetness to life as we choose to remember truth. Truth that God loves us and wants nothing more than our eternal and complete happiness, that we can trust Him completely, and that no matter what happens, in the end it will make us happier. In other words: "Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end." Paulo Coelho

The Worth of Beauty

May 12, 2013,


"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life." Berthold Auerbach

Sometimes I wonder why beautiful things seem so fleeting. For example, the average lifespan of a butterfly such as this Monarch Danaus plexippus is approximately two to five weeks, but the lifespan of a bedbug is about ten months, and a cockroach can live anywhere from a couple of months to a couple of years! Methinks something is amiss!

 It's the same with some of the flowering trees in Bowling Green. These trees explode in a flurry of large pink and white petals that are really stunning, but they only last for a day or two before the trees are basically left standing bare. Up until a few days ago, I've always considered this to be a shame, like it was some kind of flaw in the plan, but now I'm not so sure. 

One more example of this comes straight from the life of a musician. We practice and practice for hours on end for days, weeks, months and sometimes years on one piece, or on one series of pieces only to perform them in two hours or less, and then its over. All that work, all that struggle for a simple moment in time, so fleeting, so fragile.

With some reflection, there were three ideas that really hit me.

1) True Beauty Facilitates Growth
The beautiful petals on the trees may pass away quickly, but what replaces them is strong, full, and lush green leaves that unfurl throughout the summer, providing shade, color, and replenishing oxygen in the air. Beauty that is real is not stagnant, it is a function of progression and change. The strains of last month's recital may have faded from our ears, but the lessons and skills gained from the experience can last a lifetime and lead to many future performances. God is beautiful and perfect because He is the balance between change and stability. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever, His word never changes, His law passeth not away, His Son's Atonement is infinite, but His love is for the one, the healing and peace of an individual soul, with unique problems, hurts and concerns.God believes in our ability to change. He knows we can change, and He has provided a way for us to be free from our past, for the change to be permanent and real. I testify that God lives, and that He loves His children. I know this is true. I have felt pain, hellish moments of agony, as I know everyone has, but I have also felt moments of the most exquisite joy, and those moments have come when I have progressed, when I have seen beauty in a form outside of parameters. Beauty that requires no credit, that isn't trying to prove something by being beautiful, that exists simply because people deserve to feel joy, because truth is joy and the earth is honest--it knows the voice of the Shepherd.

2) A Limited Lifespan Uncovers The Longing To Hold On To What Is Real And Lasting
When I see something beautiful that has died or ended, it fills me with a sense of regret and disappointment, I'm saddened by the loss, and I want somehow to go back and save what is gone. It reminds me of the voids, the empty places that I find in myself, which ache to be filled. These voids come in many forms. I think it is part of what drives us as people. We think if we can fill the voids, the blank spots, the parts of us that are missing then we can finally be happy, and happiness is something I think everyone is striving for, no matter who you are, or what name you go by. Feeling like my soul is pock-marked with a bunch of holes and pitfalls has never been something that makes me happy, but I have been learning that each time I feel a twinge, or each time I stumble, it is an opportunity to stop and remember to be kinder to others and to myself. I am starting to see that every time I trip I am given a chance to remember who I want to become, and on Whom I trust, and that it really will be ok. Maybe beauty is not so much something that we create, but something we become. Beauty, then, is a state of being; a lifestyle choice; it's a way of seeing the world and 

3) It Reminds Us To Savor The Little Things And Look To The Future
With the end of the semester and the summer beginning, I have had the opportunity to really take a closer look at myself and take stock of where I am as a person and a musician. What I have found is that it is important to take time to savor the little things and to find beauty in something as simple as an intake of breath. Beauty is the first pathway to love, and love fills in the gaps in our understanding, it gives us reason to go forward, even if things don't make sense. Love gives us something to live for, something to fight for, something to smile for: love is faith. As I take the time to look for the beautiful things in life, I am filled with happiness, and I am content, because everywhere I see manifestations of God's love, and it gives me strength in my moments of hurt to keep moving. Beauty is a buffer, an inspiration, and a spiritual looking glass into things as they really are, and things as they can be.

Regarding Risks

April 21, 2013

Success
Failure
Confidence
Risk

Those words carry such weight in any context, and music is certainly no exception.  I've had some experiences lately that have put these words into a different perspective. After winning second place at the Central Ohio Flute Association Young Artist Competition last week, being accepted as a Masterclass Performer for this year's National Flute Festival in New Orleans, and a solid (though not perfect) orchestra performance tonight, and still feeling like I had failed as a musician, I realized it was time to look at things from a different angle. Here are my thoughts. :)

When you look in the mirror, what do you see? If you were to strip away all the things you felt were important to knowing who you were, what would you have left? Are you a composite of several different variables, a summary of social and scientific definitions, or an equal sign after a series of quantitative symbols? For many people, I think these self-identifying factors become a personal definition of success. From what I've seen, lots of us tend to see themselves in regards to what we are immediately capable of doing, or more accurately, what we think we should be capable of accomplishing.

What you see in the mirror and what you feel about yourself is not always reliable. Paul describes it as "looking through a glass darkly." (1 Corinthians 13:12) Because we are human, we are bound to misinterpret things, and come to wrong conclusions, based on the limited parameters of our perspective. The only real way to combat this is to be positive about yourself and others. It may seem naive or embarrassingly innocent, but that doesn't make it any less true. Sure, maybe people have issues and maybe there are some really nasty

 people out there, but I still believe that we need to assume that people are intrinsically good, and that most of their stupid moments happen because they are hurting or are confused in one way or the other on the inside. I certainly don't believe we should waive responsibility and pat wrong doing on the shoulder like an old friend, or let inappropriate and rude behavior continue unchecked, but I think it would be a flat out wrong to box people in with their mistakes. All that would do is validate their badly-founded opinions of themselves.

Validation is powerful. It is what solidifies a thought process into a neurological pathway in the brain. If the mind or heart feels validated, it will continue in that direction with full sails ahead. One of my favorite short films explores what happens when someone's current flow of validation get interrupted. :)  Validation 



Sometimes it's accepting that you were wrong about yourself and that you really are capable of achieving more than you ever thought possible. But it's risky. It means change. It means acknowledgement. It means realizing that what you were thinking and feeling might have been your choice, and not the actual reality. How scary/exciting/mind-blowing is that!

I find that it is wise to see every situation as one full of expected success. To see it as anything else is in essence setting ourselves up for failure. Why expect something to go badly? In my experience, it has been a way of protecting ourselves. Either that, or we feel guilty or embarrassed for our feelings or expectations of success, so we psych ourselves out and mess up. Sometimes we even label our feelings of confidence as sin, or pride, which adds to the unnecessary feelings of guilt. Most of this happens on a sub-conscious basis, so we usually don't consciously process events in this way. Even if you don't think this concept applies to you in every situation, I can guarantee is does in at lease one or two. It is this kind of defense mechanism that keeps us from taking risks, from putting ourselves out there, or from trying something new, or from entering a relationship.

In President Uchtdorf's talk from this most recent Priesthood session he discusses the feelings of guilt associated with projected failure.

"It can be discouraging at times to know what it means to be a son [or daughter] of God and yet come up short. The adversary likes to take advantage of these feelings. Satan would rather that you define yourself by your sins instead of your divine potential. Brethren [and sisters], don’t listen to him.

We have all seen a toddler learn to walk. He takes a small step and totters. He falls. Do we scold such an attempt? Of course not. What father would punish a toddler for stumbling? We encourage, we applaud, and we praise because with every small step, the child is becoming more like his parents.

Now, brethren [and sisters], compared to the perfection of God, we mortals are scarcely more than awkward, faltering toddlers. But our loving Heavenly Father wants us to become more like Him, and, dear brethren [and sisters], that should be our eternal goal too. God understands that we get there not in an instant but by taking one step at a time.

Although we recognize that none of us are perfect, we do not use that fact as an excuse to lower our expectations, to live beneath our privileges, to delay the day of our repentance, or to refuse to grow into better, more perfect, more refined followers of our Master and King." Four Titles-- President Uchtdorf

So to all of us: Go ahead. Take a risk. Believe you can fly. Spread your wings, and take the leap, life is too short not to take the opportunity to soar.

On Rhythm, Rules, and New Beginnings

April 7, 2013                                                                                                       Bowling Green, Ohio



I love spring. I love the glow the earth gets that pervades the air with a sense newness and wonder that is both comforting and exciting. I love the way new leaves and new shoots erupt from the earth, all wrinkly and tender, like a newborn child, unfurling long green stems embracing its surrounding with the miracle of life. This time of new beginnings has gotten me thinking about beginnings and endings in my own life, and how life is a funny mixture of old and new, familiar and strange, and that they are interconnected in a very crucial way. I've decided that experiences are like mulch: over time the feelings break down into matter, energy and impressions that eventually become the nutritional source for new opportunities. We have so much influence over what type of mulch our new seedlings will have to available to them. It lies in how we choose to accept experiences, both of a positive and a negative nature. Holding or hoarding experiences: living in the past in an effort to procrastinate taking responsibility for the unknowns of the future turn the mulch moldy and toxic, too wet and too pungent for anything desirable to grow healthily. It's basically like a malaria epidemic waiting to happen. But to see only the negative, to live in the guilt of what ifs and shoots, and whoopsies will suck the nutrients dry, leaving the soil of the soul chalky and embittered. I guess the goal then is to expect the best from each situation. Now I don't mean that everything will work out just the way we planned, but we can always expect that we will be able to learn, grown and become stronger from each situation. To me, this is real perfection. That no matter what happens, it will help me become a better and stronger person. In this way, I will never really fail, and therefore, will never really need to fear. 
Failure is a choice, not an event. 

In the spirit of accepting experiences I have been trying to deal with facing some issues within my flute technique that have handicapped my progression for several years. I think it's finally time to accept and move on. It's one of those things that I have allowed what happened yesterday to govern the possibilities of today, and therefore, stunted my own growth. I've allowed regrets to build a foundation of fear and frustration, placing the walls of my musical expectations on a shaky pillars. I am afraid of runs. Excess notes cause me a severe amount of unnecessary anxiety, which has very little to do with how much I have practiced and much more with the expectations I have entertained. I was discussing some possible strategies with a friend, and she mentioned approaching the measures in question from a rhythmic standpoint. She pointed out the merits of breaking down the mass of notes into manageable and logical groupings that will not only make the notes more accessible to my brain, but will also make them more musical, because they will have shape and structure. I have always known that this is what I should do, and I definitely attempted to do this, but it wasn't until then that I really understood what that means. And let me tell you, it works. They say the technique is 90% rhythm and I agree. I wonder if that is really what sets music apart from noise. This organization, or simply an architecture of some sort, is what provides structure for the intent of the music. Even free-form music has a sense or underlying structure. If it requires instructions, it has structure.

Commandments provide structure to the chaos and possibilities of life. And not only do they bring structure, they provide a specific type or architecture to life's choices. They are the blueprint to building the kingdom of God. If we follow God's commandments, we will be creating something that He has designed. If we follow the moral compilation of any other person, society, or corporation, we will create something that reflects the original source. You could say that the commandments are the rhythm of Heaven.


 If this is the case, then we should not feel boxed in, cramped, suppressed or offended by the commandments. What we really should be doing is asking ourselves what we really want from life and as we decide, we should choose a floor plan that will provide appropriate instructions that will empower us to create the desired result. 

As for me, I want a life filled with happiness, progression, and healthy acceptance of life's experiences.  I want to become a better individual, a better family member, a better musician, and eventually a better spouse with each passing day. I want to believe my capacity to succeed and in so doing believe that everyone else can succeed as well. I know God lives, and I believe in His rhythm, His architecture. I believe in the perfection of His commandments, and will gladly strive to live in accordance with His blueprint, because I believe in the results. I believe that in is in obedience to His will, His structure  that the greatest source of success can be found, inner peace can be achieved and happiness and joy can be felt now in this life on a daily basis, as well as in the eternities.