Stripped Bare

I love Chronicles of Narnia.

 Actually I just love C.S. Lewis.
 Period.

 But lately I have been thinking about one particular part of  The Voyage of the Dawn Treader.

There is a lot to the story and the different characters, but I just want to focus on one tiny bit, so here is a bare-bones summary:

 Eustace, in a mind-set of self-pity and self-righteous justification steals a bracelet from a dragon's lair and puts it on. Turns out, it’s a cursed bracelet and he turns into a dragon. After a period of freaking out, then feeling contrite, then coming unto himself, he is ready to accept the help of the only power that can save him: Aslan. Here is what happens in his words:

"The water was as clear as anything and I thought if I could get in there and bathe it would ease the pain…but the lion told me I must undress first…

 ...So I started scratching myself and scales began coming off all over the place. And then I scratched a little deeper and, instead of just scales coming off here and there, my whole skin started peeling off beautifully... In a minute or two I just stepped out of it. I could see it lying there beside me, looking rather nasty. It was a most lovely feeling...

But just as I was going to put my feet into the water I looked down and saw that they were all...scaly just as they had been before. Oh, that's all right, said I, it only means I had another smaller suit on underneath the first one, and I'll have to get out of it too. So I scratched and tore again and this underskin peeled off beautifully and out I stepped and left it lying beside the other one and went down to the well for my bathe.

Well, exactly the same thing happened again. And I thought to myself, oh dear, however many skins have I got to take off?...So I scratched away for the third time and got off a third skin, just like the two others, and stepped out of it. But as soon as I looked at myself in the water I knew it had been no good.

The lion said...'You will have to let me undress you.' I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it.

The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off...

Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off - just as I thought I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt - and there it was lying on the grass: only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobbly-looking than the others had been. And there I was as smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been. Then he caught hold of me - I didn't like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I'd no skin on - and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone... And then I saw why. I'd turned into a boy again...

After a bit the lion took me out and dressed me - (with his paws?) - Well, I don't exactly remember that bit. But he did somehow or other: in new clothes..."


 This summer I thought I was doing well. I felt in control, and generally good about myself. But then I had a pretty emotional experience and instead of feeling good and powerful I began to recognize more clearly than I ever how weak I was. I could see that even though I felt like I had been accepting that my worth came from Jesus Christ, unattached to what I said
or did, that even in that thought, I felt like I earned the right to love myself because I was willing to see when others were not.  I became almost afraid to do anything, because I was so intensely aware of the pride that was everywhere. Like a piece of pull-apart Twizzlers, all I could see were the prideful strands of my motivation, and it immobilized me. I didn't think I could see anymore of my weakness, but I was wrong.

 And then everything in my life went on hold. All the options for my future were taken out of my control and I was left chomping at the bit, waiting for answers so I could start living again. I thought it couldn't get any worse, but it did. Everyday I felt like Eustace, the scales of my life being painfully stripped from my skin, leaving me so exposed, so useless, so naked.

Life does that sometimes. It's so easy to look at life and think that no good, no God, no glory could exist in the midst of such treacherous chaos.

But you're wrong. We all are.

Because what you become on the other side is not only a better you, but a more complete you. A truer you. A you without all of the irrelevant unhelpful layers getting in the way.

Like Eustace, we have deeper layers, or "underskins" that keep us from being the real version of ourselves. We clunk around, weighed down by scales and claws, worried about hurting and being hurt, when we don't have to feel that way.

 I spent about 30 seconds on this list, but here are a few layers of scales that come to mind:

          Pain

          Ego

          Fear

         Need to be perfect

         Self-pity/false humility

Comparison--thinking that there is only one way to be successful.

         Expecting negative outcomes--also a form of false humility.

        Thinking that happiness should only look the way we expect it to, based on our limited understanding of the current moment.

It's also so crucial to remember that the Lord does not leave us hanging. His point is to guide us through essential growth, not bury us under a mountain of trouble. I realized while watching a litter of kittens tripping all over themselves on unsteady legs, that the Lord feels the same way about our desperate attempts to be good. I feel for the kittens, I want them to grow up quickly, strong, and healthy, but I am not angry or upset at them when they fall or slip up. God is patient and He understands so much better than we give Him credit for. And when we shed our scales, He clothes us in the comfort of mercy. Isaiah says it best: "I will greatly rejoice in the Lord, my soul shall be joyful in my God; for he hath clothed me with the garments of salvation, he hath covered me with the robe of righteousness..."

I just want to say that it's worth it.

The pain is worth it.

The fear is worth it.

The hurt is worth it.

The effort required to change is worth it.   The hope is worth it.

In feeling stripped, I also have felt cleansed. I wouldn't trade that feeling for the world. It's a reoccurring cycle, and from the process there comes a return to innocence, a kind of rebirth that fosters hope and light and joy and illuminates the goodness in the world. It says in John that "...this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent." In coming to know God, I come to know myself, and more importantly, I gain the ability to love. Love myself, love others, love God.

And that's worth it.

Why Bad Things Happen to Good People: You only have two choices in life. And one of them is a lie.

One of the reasons bad things happen to good people is because they EXPECT bad things to happen to them.

This is a tendency of people that are good, or are trying to be good. Those who want to be good are more prone to expecting bad things than people who actually do bad things expect it. Why? Several reasons. Two that seem to be the most prevalent are 1) They’ve gotten being a good person and being the doormat totally confused. Being righteous and having the martyr complex are two very different things. 2) Expecting bad things to happen is a way of beating ourselves down, and usually we associate feeling down or low with feeling humble. The problem is that it is a false humility, and is just as bad as being an egotistical jerk. 

I have already defined happiness as the opportunity or state of growing, of progressing towards truth, and accepting the true reality or truth of life. I don’t mean the “I’m fat, your eyebrows are nonexistent, and gas prices are ridiculous” kind of reality, I mean the clarity that comes with recognizing when you are being taken in by your own deceit. I mean seeing life as it is really happening, and not in line with your own personal expectation. I mean seeing that you are beautiful because you are alive, because there is a large part of your soul that is good, and that even though sometimes you do really dumb things, those dumb things CANNOT diminish the extraordinary person that you are. I mean truth, I mean reality as in priorities. I mean accepting, really accepting that weight, success, looks, hair, jobs, schooling or relationships cannot, will not, ever never EVER define whether or not you deserve to be loved.

So here is the two-part clause:
                                     You either believe that a) You deserve to be happy and feel joy.

 b) You don’t.

Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil... 2 Nephi 2:27 

That is what every decision comes down to folks. Turn it, shape it, cut it, flavor it any way you’d like, but that it what it is. People who are confident tend to assume that they deserve or have the right to be happy. This is why even jerky, rude, or inconsiderate people are successful. They might not really understand what true happiness is, but they always feel they deserve some form of it, and that is usually what they get. 

One of my favorite songs growing up was Unwritten. I loved the idea of being able to take charge of my future, and create eloquence out of possibility. Now that I am a bit older, I’ve started to recognize that there are some conclusions in my life’s story that have no credible sources whatsoever. It’s kinda like writing a thesis, and you have a chapter or series of chapters that deal with a particular topic that makes your thesis meaty and valid, but come to find out, the sources you used to support these chapters actually were written by a Wikipedia contributor that was playing a prank. 

Here is a silly example:

I’ve had a lot on my mind lately, so I retreated up Logan Canyon to try to sort things out in peace and solitude. I also (of course), brought my camera, and I had a secret hope of getting a really nice shot of a moose, or something of that size, I wasn’t being too picky about what type of mammal. (Bears and mountain lions are acceptable too!)

 Instead, all I saw were birds (and mostly robins for that matter), one squirrel, and about 1,000,000,000 mosquitoes. I didn’t find any closure at all in my thoughts, and actually, I generally felt worse than ever and rather defeated. There was no moose in sight, and all 1,000,000,000 mosquitoes decided that I should be their dinner. They were the wild kind that when they bit, it was like I could feel them breaking through my flesh. Very painful and with each bite, the buzz of my thoughts became more and more irritated. 

“Of COURSE this happened to me!” 

“This is why I didn’t want to come out here, because I KNEW this would happen. I KNEW that I wouldn’t find any peace or answers. It’s all just a big can of worms.” 

“When have I EVER seen a moose or gotten a cool shot when I was looking for it?” 

“I’m always too desperate, and I NEVER have enough faith, that’s why I never get to see moose.”  

“I should have EXPECTED to get eaten alive. What else was I expecting? Some sort of spiritual experience? I didn’t prepare enough for that. I don’t DESERVE an answer.”

By this point, the painful marks on my skin were nothing in comparison to the beating my soul was getting. I began to recognize that I was writing this experience using unsound sources and I knew it needed to stop. I knew that I actually deserved answers to my questions, I’ve taken lots of great pictures, and I didn’t need one of a moose to make myself feel good, lots of people get bitten by mosquitoes on a daily basis, and my faith, through the Atonement, was enough. 

So I fought back in the only way I could think of: Humor. I began to pretend that I was the star in a thriller about man-eating mosquitoes, and I had barely survived. I pretended that I was being interviewed by the press, who saw my survival as nothing short of a miracle. Somewhere along the way, I started talking out loud, and my character developed a Southern accent and a peachy complexion. Within five minutes, my mood improved, the mosquitoes basically stopped biting, the swelling of the several bites went down, and they stopped itching. Permanently. And it was then that I got the best shot of the night. Sunbursts are almost as good as moose.   

I stopped my negative thought pattern, and I changed the events of my day. I changed the plot of my life, simply because I was willing to believe I deserved happiness. 

So here’s my point: You actually only have two choices in life. And one of them is a lie. 

Based on this truth, my current definition of faith is as follows:

Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ I:  Expect [my] every need to be met.

                                                                    Expect the answer to every problem,

                                                                    Expect abundance on every level.  
                                                                                                                                        Eileen Caddy

Why? Because I believe I deserve to be happy. And I believe you do too.