Why Bad Things Happen to Good People Part I: Introduction

     Why do bad things happen to good people?

     I have spent a lot of years thinking about this question, and the more I consider it, the more grateful I become for what I have experienced. This question has changed my life, because it has made me a permanently happier person.

     The first thing I want to address is the idea of action and consequence as it applies to the concept of happiness. We assume if we do a good job, if we try to be good, if our intentions are good that

good things will happen and we will find happiness. Right? Yes and No. What version of happiness are we going by? Contentment in the moment does not equal happiness. As far as I have seen, we use happiness to mean a removal of any uncomfortable emotion or happening. Unfortunately, this idea really limits our capacity to be happy. That's like saying the perfect weather is where it's always sunny, but forgetting that without the rain, everything would die, no matter how sunny or beautiful it is in the beginning. It has to rain to last.

     Happiness is not an if-then statement. Here's a rather personal example: "If I was a more ideal weight, I would be happy." I ultimately will not be happier if I was skinnier, or if I was a different body type. The real issue is my personal insecurity, not my body type, and until I am willing to see it for what it is, dreaming about an ideal weight circumstance will only create a sense of desperate longing that keeps me on constant goose chase that can only end in disappointment. Why? Because it's not real. Because I am basing my acceptance of who I am on a label someone handed to me. In essence, I am giving up my power and placing it in the hands of a fickle idea that moves with the tide of social acceptance. The irony is that the moments I am willing to accept what I have to offer now are the moments when I feel empowered to change. More on this idea later.

     We are lying to ourselves when we rely on our circumstances to make us happy, or wait for specific events to give us permission to be happy. The lie comes in the fact that we place the responsibility of how we are feeling on our circumstances and therefore effectively avoid actually feeling the true version of our emotions. Instead, we end up experiencing any of the various defensive emotions, which include anger, blame, anxiety, depression, and aggressiveness. These feelings function to mask, protect or defend what the heart is really trying to process.
     Sometimes defensive emotions are the only way to communicate or find the strength to address what is being felt. I think the most shocking experience I've had of this nature is once when someone I know was reacting in an unhealthy way to a conversation we were having and I ended up yelling at them. Like full blown yelling at them, complete with dramatic hand gestures and the works. What followed was one of the sweetest exchanges of familial love that I have known. That's only worked that one time, and it has become more than obvious to me that communicating when two people are feeling defensive emotions is an experience very similar to beating one's head against a wall...the headache is about equal in both cases. But mostly, defensive emotions become just that, a defensive play that sidesteps the our ultimate goal, which is happiness.

     Just like in any battle, the defense has to be broken before access can be granted to the castle. It is the same way with our emotions. Something has to break, before something else can be changed, otherwise we will stagnate and eventually regress.

     This is where pain comes in. Pain serves a function in our lives that facilitates our happiness. Its function is to break down defenses, so access can be granted to the castle.




Next post: Why Bad Things Happen to Good People   Part II: Pain as a Function of Happiness